Borderline Retarded

Friday, July 29, 2005

Baby update.....

Lilypie Baby Ticker

I saw my doctor yesterday. Everyhting is going great! As I suspected, we did another ultrasound. The baby looks beautiful, though a little bit fuzzy! I saw a nice head, two arms, two legs, to little feet kicking around like crazy, and two butt cheeks. The butt cheeks are very important! I would pay real money to have a doctor who watches Southpark - "What, this infant only has one ass. It is useless!". OK - so I told you guys I was a weirdo, right??

I've gained 3 pounds, but I am showing quite a bit already. I'm exclusivley in pants that go up to just under my breasts.

The morning sickness is much better, but I constantly have gas in my stomach. I'm belching like a 14 year old boy these days! No food aversions, but I try and stay away from certain smells, like the cat food bag. I'm afraid broccoli is a no-go as well.

I am sleeping well, but I am using a body pillow for support. It makes a world of difference.

The "big" ultrasound is on the 11th of August - I'll update then. Hopefully we'll have some nice pictures too.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Sisters of Perpetual Pain.....

So, I've noticed on my quiz that almost everybody got the answer for 10 Hail Mary's correct.

Having evil thoughts are we?

Deep Thoughts......

I wish I had a cryptonite cross.

That way, I could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

I'm ready for a nap!

I was sitting in on a conversation first thing this morning about grown up stuff like stocks and bonds and marketing and property and ex wives and junk. I was waaaaaay out of my league! One of the owners was making comments about some property he's buying. It's an old resort and he's going to fix it up and let family and friends hang out there. They are all talking about tax write-offs and the Sierra club and lawsuits and all I can think is...... A resort all your own? How cool is that! I started freaking out a little bit though, because I realized that's how all those scary horror flicks start out. Friends getting together at daddy's resort, and they all start doing it then get chased around by a guy in a bloody hockey mask. I've decided never to go this resort. Actually, I only told myself that because I can guarantee I will NEVER get invited to his resort!!

I came back to myself in the midst of some discussion about marketing. One of the owners has a NASCAR team. My little brain decided to flash back to that "Southpark" episode with the underpants gnomes:

1) Gather Underpants

2) A miracle occurs

3) Profit!

Yeah, I finally excused myself, mumbling something about having LOTS of serious work to do.

Which I'm doing now.

Yes, I am a total sham.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My ass looks hot!

I went shopping on Monday after work to the Motherhood Maternity store in Vacaville. I love that store! But, I tried to keep it just to the essentials. I needed nice slacks for work. My last job I could wear jeans and t-shirts. I worked at a construction company that basically sat in the middle of a huge pile of dirt! But, now I actually have a dress code to follow. I found almost all of my old maternity stuff (still missing one bag somewhere!), and I just had to get 4 pairs of slacks. I left the store with 4 pairs of slacks and two blouses. Not bad!

I am wearing one of the new pair of slacks and blouse today, and my friend Maria said my butt looked really good. I think I will have to wear these pants every day for the rest of my life!!

Here's looking at you kid

Lilypie Baby Ticker

It's my turn!

Take my Quiz on!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The reason.....

The reason my blog is named Borderline Retarded is because it is a favorite phrase of my mother's. When I was a kid, at one time or another, every single one of my cousins (and one of her brothers) was diagnosed by her as being "borderline retarded." I think that is the funniest shit I have ever heard. The idea that my mom would even say something like that to anybody is mind numbingly bizarre. I cringe to think what she has told her family and friends about me growing up!!

A little tale about Borderline Retarded.......

Gather around children, and I will tell you a tale........

P.S. - this entire post is a rant about my mom. I have to get this off my chest every now and again!!

I spend a lot of time thinking about my mom, and how she pisses me off all the time. She is such a unique individual, I have never met anyone like her. I've heard tales of people almost like her, but they always turn out to have other problems, like the fact that they are alcoholics or something. My mom is just a nutjob by her own means. She has been this way my whole life. As a youngster, I would live in fear of her, because she would get angry at the most random things, and hunt you down and drag you around the house by your hair. If you sat on her bed, she would wake you up out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night to come and smooth the comforter before she pulled the sheets down to go to bed. If you fill up the dishwasher with dirty dishes, she'll come in after you and re-arrange everything in there so it "washes better". I can understand why my father who is an engineer and worked on nuclear subs for 25 years gets pissed off at her so much. She does weird shit like that all day long, every day. I would never move back home if my life depended on it.

She calls me "baby" and calls herself "mommy", and gives hugs that last too long and kisses that are too noisy. She takes the joy out of watching a sunset by loudly exclaiming "LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT IS. ARE YOU LOOKING? LOOK AT THAT!" She always has to put in her 2 cents, even if it's a subject she's never heard of before. I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a thing. You would think that she has a degree in medicine, psychology and education on her wall. Plus she is a lawyer and a chef. Even if I'm asking my dad a question about landscaping or plumbing, she chirps in with her opnion. A lot of the time her opinion is just common sense that everybody knows.

This past weekend, I had my son by the hand and told him "look both ways before you cross the street". My mom was walking behind us, and said, "Oh, do you remember that?" Like, from when I was a kid. How do you even answer a question like that? I would have to be an imbecile not to "remember" to look both ways before I cross the street. My husband just thought she meant that she had taught us in some unique way when were younger how to cross the street.

She will go on and on for half an hour "educating" you about something you just happen to casually mention, and then say, "did you know that?". I find that to be very rude. She controls every aspect of every conversation. She's like one of those guys who always caught a bigger fish, or always saw the same thing just bigger and better than you did. She can never just sit back and not say anything. She always has to be right too. I asked my grandmother if she was always like that. She said she didn't think so. I think that by the time I was a teenager my mother, being the oldest of 6 kids, was tired of being the one in charge of everything, and started to get resentful of absolutely everything.

The woman can hold a grudge too. My older sister got married, and it was this 2 year long event of planning and re-planning and over-planning. My younger sis and I were asked to be part of the wedding party. I was surprised because I thought she had wanted it to be only Matron of Honor and Best Man. After the wedding, my sister told me about a story my mom told her. My auntie is one year younger than my mom, and she got married about a year before my parents did. My aunt didn't ask my mom to be a bridesmaid, and it hurt her feelings. The major problem with that is that her feelings are still hurt! My sister was scared not to ask us to be in her wedding. I told my sister that I was very honored to be in her wedding, but she could have not invited me at all - it was her wedding! It's not my place to get upset at her for any decisions she makes. I was sorry that she hadn't said something before. I was planning my wedding at the time, and I'm glad she warned me because I got the same guilt trip about not asking my sisters to be in my wedding. But, my sisters and I talked about it. That's what people do, they talk about the issues they have with each other!!

My son is a little bit afraid of her, because every time she sees him, she grabs at him and forces him to come to her. For that reason, he will give everyone in the room a hug and kiss, and turn his face away from her. That really hurts her feelings, and I have no doubt that she will be telling him about it for the rest of his life. "remember when you were little and wouldn't kiss me?" That will be great. But, I try really hard to stand up for my son, and my husband. I won't let her push me around when it comes to them. It will be my way or the highway. Right now I'm struggling with getting her to not overreact when my son falls down. She'll run over and grab him and moan and groan right in his ear. I always say, "Mom, please stop making that noise". and she'll say "but didn't you hear that thunk? He really hurt himself!". And I'll have to say, "Yes, he hurt himself. Moaning right into his ear doesn't help him feel any better!". She always has some snide comment to come back with, like I haven't been a mother long enough yet to know what she knows.

I know that it seems like all girls have their issues with their mothers. I can't help but think it must be a biological phenomenon, and it probably has some really cool psych term attached to it. But, I feel better now having bled out some of these thoughts. I would hate to have dinner with her tomorrow night and be just perched on the edge of my seat waiting for something totally insane to happen. That's no way to live!! You guys are the best therapy a girl could ask for.

Boiling Point

I have been monitoring my blood pressure twice a day since June. Once in the morning, and once at night. The nurse from Kaiser calls me at 9:00 am every day to get the readings. They are all perfectly normal until about 3 days before my doctor's appointment. After doing this for two months now, I can see that I start to panic a little before my doctor's appointment, and my blood pressure goes up slightly. Why? My doctor is very nice, and he never does anything harmful to me. Am I just nervous about the pregnancy? Maybe I'm afraid he will give me bad news, so I start to tense up. I am trying to think of what I can do to keep from getting so worried. All I can come up with so far is to spend lots of time with my son, and to make sure KOM keeps me occupied with hours of sex. Also, reading helps. Any ideas?

My new word of the day......

My new favorite phrase:


Thanks Squishi!

Monday, July 25, 2005

I have a dream.....

Last night I dreamed that I was at a party at Madonna's house. It was a rager that went on all night, and my mom and some other family members were there. I was in a back room with Madonna, and she decided she had to sneak out of the house. It was morning, and she figured that the last few people were just never going to leave. My mom catches her slinking out the window and says, "I'll just have to run out front and say goodbye to her". I tried to say something to her, but I think I was just a random observer of events, and couldn't talk to anybody. I was going to tell my mom to leave her alone.

Someday, I will have to make up a whole blog just to talk about my Mom.

I ain't skeered!

My dad called me up and said he wanted to take us to see "Cirque du Soleil" as a Christmas present. I put my hand over the phone, and ask my husband if he wants to go. I think his exact words were "fuck no." So, I am going in November to see Cirque du Soleil with my parents and my sisters. I'm not sure what I think about that. I think it will be fun, but there is always something creepy about circus folk. I don't think contortionists are cool. They are creepy. But, I've heard many good things about the show, and they are a world class act. I think the fact that there are a lot of Canadians in the show bodes well for me. I like Canadians.

I was reading an article in Playboy over the weekend that there is a new act called
Zumanity, which is a sexed up version of Cirque du Soleil. I don't know what I think about that either.

Weekend stuff........

We had a very busy weekend.

Saturday we had a birthday party for my mom. Her actual birthday is on the 27th, so she will probably want to go out for dinner on that night as well (KOM, consider this advance notice). My mom and dad lived in Hawaii for 9 years, so every party they have now is a "Hawaiian" themed party. Everyone has to wear their Aloha shirts and eat Kalua pork. The mojority of decorations in their home look like they bought out the flea market at Aloha Stadium. Lots of Koa wood figures and fish statues everywhere. Not that I'm complaining, but enough with the plastic lei's and the jokes about getting "lei'd" already! It wasn't funny 9 years ago, it still ain't funny!! It was great to see the whole family though. My grandma was there too, and I haven't seen her since Mother's Day. She is living in a care home in Davis. I hope she will be able to come home again, but having pneumonia twice in one year just knocked the snot out of her. My Uncle and his wife were there too. They are leaving for Colorado today. It was good to see them one more time. It will probably be a couple of years before we see them again.

Sunday I spent all morning watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". I love my husband, he indulges me!! KOM left for a haircut, and I fed the boy and got him down for his nap. When my handsome husband returned, I tackled him and we spent the next hour in bed. The rest of the afternoon was spent sorting baby clothes and boxing them up, and fending the boy from knocking over the towering stacks! All the baby clothes were either in paper bags in the garage, or crammed into the closet and on the floor in the corner of his room. Now, I am all set for the new arrival. I was amazed at how much our son has grown. It was hard to believe that he ever fit into any of those tiny little outfits. There were so many that I remember as being my favorites too. I didn't remember too many of the newborn clothes, probably because our son was 9 1/2 pounds, and didn't fit into any of them for more than a week! The stuff we do have is very neutral, because we didn't know if we were ahving a boy or a girl. Like it matters anyway! I'm not wasting good money on pink or blue outfits!

I am getting so excited about the new baby. I can hardly wait for it to be born.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Happy Trails!

So my good friend Keri is leaving the company after 10 loooooong years. She found a new job with a slightly smaller company, and is going to be earning $7,500.00 more per year to start, with several raises expected within the first year. They also offer employee incentives. She gets a 30% employee discount, and a $5.00 gift card whenever she spends $25.00. She is going to work at a huge hardware store, so her husband is going to cream his panties! I think I will take advantage of the deal as well! I can't blame her for leaving, they really treat her like the wicked stepchild around here. She has had to live with the stigma of being hired as the receptionist ten years ago, and going through a crapload of personal shit. The owners and the other office staff who were around have trouble treating her like the general accounting manager. She always had to report to her superior before any kind of disciplinary action with her employees. No other manager in this company is required to do that. They also lied to her about several promises. She gave her notice a few years back, and they got her to stay, then renigged on everything they had promised her. I'm surprised she stayed as long as she did. They even had the balls to ask for her cell phone number so they could call her with any questions. She said HELL NO! They haven't bothered to train anybody else to do her job, they are just going to pile it all on top of the controller, who is one snap away from a nervous breakdown as it is. This ought to be very interesting.

Keri was very kind to me from day one, and went out of her way to make me feel welcome. We go out to lunch all the time, and I am going to miss her. But she has been so negative lately, it has been really hard to keep the smile on my face. She has this very tough exterior she has built up, and she expects too much out of people sometimes. She goes into a situation with the additude "I dare you to piss me off". She feels attacked very easily, and gets very defensive. I am always surprised how we can both here the same information, and come away with totally different takes on it. That has come in helpful though, especially when we have trouble understanding a decision that's been made. We can help wach other see it from a differrent point of view.

I think that working for a woman will make a difference as well. Keri is very emotional, and puts her heart and soul into her work. Her current boss, the CFO, never understands why she takes things so "personaally". I don't know how he can make rude ass comments flow over him, but the rest of us get our feelings hurt when someone accuses you of not doing your job, or doing a bad job, or acting like an ass clown, right to your face.

My wish to her is that she goes into her new job aware of the strength she carries with her, and to walk softly and carry a big stick!!

We are taking her out for a few drinks to say farewell. I know I will still be hanging out with her though. She is way too interesting to stick on a shelf!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Name this movie.......

You remind me of the babe

What babe?

The babe with the power

What power?

The power of voodoo

Who do?

you do

Do what?

Remind me of the babe.....

Monday, July 18, 2005

Having a "Hair" day....Good or bad, you be the judge

So, I've noticed that my hair is very "Charlie's Angels" today. I look like the sexy smart one.

It figures I wouldn't be able to make this hairdo happen when it was actually popular, 30 years ago!! Then again, it probably would have looked funny on an infant. Hmm.......

Monday already?

My weekend was good. How was yours?

On Friday, I took the day off and my dad and I took my son to Marine World. That was great. That kid is a nut for animals. He laughed at everything. We actually got to pet and feed the dolphins. That was really cool. He screamed and appluaded with the crowd at the shows too.

On Saturday we had the garbage disposal oddysey - $260 later we have a professionally installed garbage disposal and our toilet is fixed. Yay Roto Rooter!!

On Sunday, we went to my Uncle's going away party in El Dorado Hills. He is moving to Jerk of All Trade's neck of the woods. Look out, we might be sleeping on your hide-a-bed!!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Bow to me!

You scored as Sex God.
You are a master at sex. You make your partner weak in the knees, and you know it. You've had the practice, and you've read the books, but don't get too cocky (pun intended) or you'll get put into place.

Thanks to Sexy Hot Toddy for this one!

And the winner is........

I have to give props to the guy at lunch today who was wearing the most imaginative outfit I've seen in a long time:

Black Leather Jacket
Black Leather Chaps
Grey Sweatpants

I guess his Levi's were in the wash.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Word of the day

My new favorite word is:

Ass Clown

I suppose technically, it's two words, so I should say it's my favorite phrase.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Mushy stuff....

I am in love.

I watched you while you slept last night. Looking at your handsome face and thinking how very lucky I am, and how sexy you are. You held me and I cuddled on your shoulder. Has the feeling returned to your arm yet? I could only make out your face with the glow of the television. I finally had to turn it off and go to sleep. I love how peaceful you look when you sleep. You are so strong, and your skin is so warm. I wish I could convey feelings into words, so you would know exactly how I feel every time I look at you.

Monday, July 11, 2005

How was your weekend?

My weekend was great! We actually didn't do much. I took the boy over to my Gran's to go swimming. That kid is a water baby! He gets it from his mom! My little sis came over Saturday night to watch the boy while we went out on the town. It was great! Wren was really happy to have us all around for her birthday. We watched some of the craziest internet downloads that her boyfriend had on DVD. Some of it was icky - but mostly it was pretty funny. We went to Henry's, and closed down the bar. I haven't stayed up past 2 in the morning in ages! I had one heck of a time getting up Sunday morning, and I took a nap while my son was napping. Luckily, he went down for 4 hours! It was great.

I unfortunately had another episode of "open mouth, insert foot". I always manage to say the wrong things around my friend Jennifer. We had watched this crazy thing at Wren's house that showed some man living in some third world village with what can only be described as a nutsack the size of a bean bag chair. I was told that elephantitis could cause something like that. I joked, well I've seen some elephantitis of the boobs around lately. Badump-ch! Well, we were at the bar for about an hour, when in flounced this blonde wearing a tank top barely covering her nipples. I was all the way across the bar, and I didn't have my glasses on, and I swear her boobs walked in a full three minutes before the rest of her caught up! I say half out loud to my anyone who will listen, "another sad case of elephantitis.". Jen says, "Oh, you mean Brooke?". I laugh and say, "Noooo - not Brooke!! That blonde over there!" Jen says, "Yeah, that's Brooke - she's blonde now." "Oh" I say. I kind of looked down at my glass of coke from that point forward, and tried not to speak again! I don't think Jen was too offended, but I always manage to say something dumb like that in front of her. Brooke is one of her best friends, but she's not overly attached. Oh well, at least this time I don't think I pissed her off! My husband overheard the whole thing, and he doesn't think I have anything to worry about. Sometimes, I just try to hard to be funny.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Husband dear and I are going out tomorrow night! Woo Hoo!! I cannot believe how excited I am about that! It is so sad! I guess going out once every 4 months helps you to appreciate it more. It is our friend Wren's birthday. We are going to her and the bf's place, then out to Henry's for drinks. I will be having cherry coke and shirley temple all night, thank you very much. When I kissed KOM good night last night, he tasted like rum and coke. It was soo good! So, send little prayers my way that I will stay awake!!

What the....?

Someone in my office today keeps swishing by in what can only be described as ski pants - the noise is actually deafening! But, every time I try to get up to see who it is, the noise disappears. It is driving me crazy! Who would wear something like that!! Normally things don't bother me, I must be tired or something. I will get to the bottom of this!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

T. H. O.

N.It means your nipples get hard like when it's cold outside.. You would say "I have MAJOR T-H-O." which stands for Tit Hard On..

You really can find anything on the internet......

Thanks to Jerk for helping me help myself.

This is almost as embarrasing as having to ask my friends what they meant when they said "reach around".

Baby Update.....

So, I had an appointment yesterday, and I thought I'd give a quick update. Since my doctor likes to play with toys, he gives me an ultrasound at every visit! The baby looks beautiful. It was bouncing around like crazy, making it difficult to take any measurements. I am 15 weeks along. Not showing yet, but I expect that to change drastically over the next three weeks. My morning sickness is all but non-existent (thank you God!). My blood pressure is doing well, but I still have to monitor it twice a day, and give the readings to a nurse every morning. I will be tested for any blood sugar problems in about ten weeks.
My doctor asked me - "So, are you calling it quits after this one?" I thought about it for a second, and said "No, I'll probably have at least one more!" Oh by the way, if my husband is reading this, I might want to have at least one more baby. We can talk about it later! I guess I came from such a large family, that it seems natural to want several children. I always thought about having 4 - but I don't think our house can handle that!
I also have a new feeling that this baby is a boy. Most of the time, I don't feel one way or the other about it. I have friends that new from the instant of conception what they were having. But, I guess I'm not as in tune with my body as all that! Of course, it doesn't matter to me whether it's a boy or a girl. I will be more than happy with a normal healthy baby.

London calling.....

So, the first thing I heard today that wasn't the laughter of my son was the radio telling me that bombs had gone off in London, and dozens of people are dead and injured. Their subway system and bus sytems are all shut down, and they are trying to get people out of London in a calm manner. I just don't know what to think. What is happening in this world? I'm afraid that even at my angriest and most hurt, I could never cause harm to anybody that way. What satisfaction can you get from killing random people? I will never understand or sympathize with people who cause such devestation this way. Some reports say that it was meant to coincide with the G-8 summit. All that did was allow several powerful world leaders to look each other in the eye and call the attackers "barbarians". My heart goes out to everybody in England, and I send my prayers.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

3 Day Weekends....

I used to like 3 day weekends so much - now it just makes more work for me on Tuesday, because for some unknown reason they still want payroll sent in on the same day!! They cut slack for everybody else around here - why not me? It doesn't help that I have a manager in Tucson who has his head up his you-know-where. I understand that they moved from Phoenix to Tucson, and it wasn't very smooth. But I think this is where the true colors of your manager comes in - whether he's worth the money you pay him or not. His receptionist / biller quit when they moved, she couldn't make the commute, and now you start to see all of the work she did on top of her "job description". He can't even get the payroll for 6 employees to me without me harassing him! He's worked as the AZ facility manager (supposedly) for 10 years!! It just sucks when you see someone get paid the big bucks to do nothing - basically, while the office person who worked there longer than he did got paid 1/3 of his salary and did all the work. We have a couple of managers like that, and we wish they would just stay home and collect their paycheck and leave us alone!! It doesn't help that my boss gets all anal about authorized signatures on paperwork. If my warehouse manager in Ontario waited until the facility manager was in to "authorize" everything, it I would never get it! She calls me and says - "He's gone, nobody knows when he's coming back". Nice.

But enough about that!! I hope everyone had a great 4th of July. I spent the weekend very slowly going through my mess of a garage trying to make a dent in all the moving boxes still in there from last June! I did make two trips to the dump - without even one problem with the morning sickness! I could never have gone near that place when I was pregnant with my first one.

We went to my sister-in-law's house in American Canyon for a BBQ. It was very nice, the whole family was there. Well, minus all the nieces and nephews. That was odd. They were all off at camp or something. My guy was basically the only little one there until later in the evening. I love my in-law's, but my sister has some pretty interesting friends. I keep expecting to see that family from the X-Files there that kept their mother under the bed on a wheeled cart! Lots of bad teeth and interesting conversation. It was hard to tell if some of them were drunk or just had a speech impediment. They all seem very nice, just a little bit off. I got to hear all about my sister in law's dog who has epilepsy and is psychotic. Apparently they have to sedate him heavily before the fireworks or his head will explode. I need to ask her what it is that makes a dog psychotic! What is really nice is that they have a dog run so the dogs can run around barking but they can't jump all over anybody.
We left about 8:30, so the little guy could go to bed. His daddy seemed a little bit tired too. We can't see any fireworks from our place, but I did hear some nice explosions. It's a bit surreal. I'm sure next year we'll be able to make the boy stay up late to watch the fireworks.

Friday, July 01, 2005

It's a Girl Thing..... Part 2

So, I remembered one time when I did realize that I had girl power.

I was out with KOM and probably half a dozen other people getting drunk at the Lamplighter bar in downtown Napa. I had passed my limit - and was weaving and falling over. KOM called a cab to take us back to his place. We were waiting outside, and the cab was just pulling up when my stomach decides it's had enough fun for one night. I run over to the sidewalk (I think?!) and start heaving. The cab driver just waited patiently until I was done, and KOM escorted me into the vehicle. I proceeded to spend the next ten minutes with my head hanging out the open window like a dog - my tongue was probably hanging out too.

Sometime before this incident, the exact same thing happened to our friend Aaron. He is puking as the cab drives up. When he heads to the car, the cabbie says something like "No way in hell are you getting in my cab!" and takes off!

I guess I had girl power and didn't even know it! Of course, maybe our cab driver was a little bit more compassionate.