Borderline Retarded

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

One Question Nobody Will Ever Ask Me, Ever.

(Overheard the sales manager next door talking on the phone)

"Will you be in the Hummer or the Mercedes?"

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Pop Quiz

A Russian man in a lab coat stops you as you are driving away from your son's daycare and asks you to be his hair model.

What do you do?

What do you do?

Monday, May 22, 2006

I helped my kid sister move into her new apartment this weekend. Of course, we will not be referring to it as "the move", we will be referring to it as the "wet T-shirt contest" because it was pouring rain! I am so happy for her though; this is her first place on her own. She has been living in our Grandmother's condo since Gran moved out of it over a year ago. When Gran passed away last February, one of our aunts decided she wanted to buy it and move in.

I had the great pleasure of adding my sister to the payroll as a shipping/receiving clerk in our warehouse a couple of months ago. Last week, she was hired on permanently, given a dollar raise and benefits. She can finally quit her dead end job at Michael's crafts. She has learned her job very quickly, and everybody loves her. I am so happy for her!! Things are finally starting to look up for her. Of course, we keep catching our mother telling people that she won't make a career out of this job - it's only until she finds something better. Thanks for the support!! She drives me NUTS! She certainly has a lot of opinions about what other people do for a living. Well, she has a lot of opinions period. But, I will save that for another post - hell, maybe even another blog!

Good job sis - I am so happy for you!

Friday, May 19, 2006

The creature appeared suddenly to my left. She was beautiful, wild and wary. She almost darted in front of me, but a noise from the opposite direction startled her, and she backed away.

This was the first time I had seen the creature in months. I had feared the worst, but always had hope that I would come across her again.

Her name is Stanzi, and she is the craziest cat I have ever known. She hisses and spits and purrs at the same time. She almost ran in front of my car while on the way home Wednesday. I sent my husband out to search for her, but she has eluded us again.

Come home kitty!! I miss you!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Stupidness Continues.....

I am ready to slap someone! There is a woman in my office who is either dense as a concrete slab, or just pretending to be. Either way I hope she doesn't step one foot into my office again today.

This is the woman who can't figure out how to add or subtract and keeps overpaying herself for vacation and personal days, then just assumes it takes care of itself. She had been arguing with her manager over this since Friday and finally she agreed to a solution. So, I made a couple of adjustments with her payroll this week to pay out some vacation time to cover an overpayment of personal time. I know, exciting!! Well, I e-mailed her an updated report showing the correction, and she brought it in to me this morning arguing with me about it. The problem is, that I know I explained it to her, and she says she understands, but she just doesn't! I can't make it any more simple for her. Luckily, her manager this year is different than the one she had last year, and this one might actually keep track of her available time. She's one of those people who would keep requesting days off with pay until the end of time, and expect everyone else to deal with it. Take some responsibility!

She just walked back in and asked if I could give her one of our co-workers phone numbers. WHY!!! Why ask me a questions she KNOWS the answer to? If our co-worker wanted her to call, she would have given her the number!! I tell her "No", and she says, "Oh yeah, I used to work in personnel" and walks off. Agh!

There, I'm better now.

So, I had brought my trusty old fax machine home with me from the office while I was on maternity leave. Unfortunately, something happened and the thing hemorrhaged ink all over the loveseat in the office. I wasn't exactly thrilled, but what are you gonna do.

I forgot all about it until about a month ago, when the IT manager asked me about the machine. I told him the whole sad story, and he asked if I could just bring it back in, maybe he could do something with it. I promptly forgot all about it again, until last night when my husband informed me that the machine had hemorrhaged again onto the carpet. Lovely! He bagged it and put it into the back of the minivan.

I forgot all about it AGAIN until I pulled out of the driveway, and something was clunking and banging around. My 2 year old looked at me and said "Pazzat?". It took me a couple of blocks before I realized what it was. My plan was to check on it after I dropped old baby off at daycare. I forgot AGAIN until I pulled out onto the highway headed for Napa to drop new baby off at his uncle's house. At this point I was imagining the worst as there must be ink all over the back of the car.

I managed to force my brain to hold onto the idea of checking on the fax machine for another 20 minutes, and opened the back of the van to the fax machine halfway out of the bag , but no major damage done to the car.

Luckily I had an empty box in the trunk. I've been saving them for my sister's move next week. The fax machine just fit inside. When I got to work, I carried it in to my IT manager's office. I relayed the sad story of my carpet now being stained, and his first words where "why didn't you take the ink cartridge out and throw it away?". Now, I don't think he was trying to be a snot, but I do think he had imagined there was some way to salvage the machine and somehow I had ruined it more. Of course, any sane and reasonable person would have done that. Oh well!! I guess I call my blog "Borderline Retarded" for a reason! He took it form me and dumped it right into the garbage.

Monday, May 15, 2006

My Mother's Day was splendid. We spent the morning relaxing at home, and went to a buffet lunch at the Silverado Country Club in Napa with my husband's family. Old baby did as well as he usually does in those type of situations. Last year it was pouring rain, but he had fun anyway splashing through all the puddles and getting soaked. This year was plenty hot!

My husband and the boys got me a $50.00 gift certificate to Lane Bryant. I cannot wait to buy some new clothes. That has got to be my favorite store of all time!

Lunch was wonderful. I am truly lucky that my husband's family is so cool! I have trouble referring to my husband's sisters as my sister's-in-law; I usually just refer to them as my sisters! The only hiccup came when my sister in law who is a respiratory therapist diagnosed old baby with asthma. From across the table. I don't know if she is trying to scare me, or legitimately thinks it could be an issue. I don't know whether I believe it is asthma. I don't feel concerned enough to make him a special appointment, but I will try and keep a written record of what I observe for his 3 year check up in August and go over it with his pediatrician. I am related to so many intelligent women who are also mothers, it makes the advice overwhelming sometimes!

New baby dazzled the group with his dimples and all around happy behavior.

One thing I have noticed about other mothers is that they seem to retain every minute detail regarding every single child. My sister in law remembers how much her oldest son weighed at 4 months of age. That son is now 20. I can't remember what my oldest son weighed at any time other than when he was born. He is 2. I can't even remember how tall he was when he was born. Am I missing the boat? I think my brain just didn't retain some information as being kind of useless to make way for other things. But, every mother I know can recall each child as though looking at snapshots in a photo album. I can't help but feel inadequate sometimes. The other comment I get is "Well, at least he'll have his baby book". Um, yeah. About that. There is no baby book for either child. Is it too late to get started now? Um. Crap!

I hope everyone had an enjoyable weekend, and a happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 12, 2006

God is trying to tell me something......

I had problems waiting for me as soon as I walked in the door.

Firstly, and I know you will find this fascinating, I had a voicemail from our largest warehouse customer telling me that they had adjusted their Fed Excise Tax amounts AGAIN. This entire week has been a confusing drama of physical inventory gains and losses. What I like most about it is that I had sent them their final invoice yesterday by 9:00am. The reason I made sure it was there by 9:00 was so they could wire the money they owe in taxes, which comes out to $1,000,000.00 (give or take $1,000.00). (Give yourself a thousand points if you put your pinky to your bottom lip a la Dr. Evil when you read that) To this customer, adjusting the tax amounts and delaying the wire transfer by a whole day is no big deal. Unfortunately, we are kind of strapped and come up just short of A MILLION DOLLARS. We would like to pay for other things, like PAYROLL. And just because this is how it always works, Maria took today off, and wasn't here to hold my hand and walk me through the terrible process of subtracting gallons and filling out the forms again. AND there was NOBODY here qualified to sign the form. I know, sounds stupid right? "Authorized" is the correct word, but "qualified" makes me laugh.

Secondly, I received a call from one of our truck drivers in Virginia. This guy gets a wage garnishment notice from me last week, letting him know I am going to garnish his wages because he "forgot" to pay his property taxes. Seems straight forward, right? WRONG! He ran down on Monday and paid the taxes, and I guess decided I really didn't need to be in the loop. He opened his check today and was awfully surprised that I had garnished his wages. It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't the THIRD driver from Virginia to do this THIS WEEK. So I had to halt accounts payable from printing the check, so I can refund him through payroll next week. I could tell he wanted his money back right away, and I decided not to offer him a manual check. These guys have got to learn at some point that I am not their wife or mother, and they need to be responsible for the things that they do. Sorry I had to make an example out of you - but so be it.

Thirdly, I received a call to verify employment from a real asshole at West Asset Management. Actually, this person left a voicemail with HR, and I called her back. I have never had this kind of problem with anybody looking for employee information before. She launched into this tale about calling this guy at his house and "something" happened and they got "disconnected". When she called back, they "pretended" like they didn't know who she was calling about. Like I care about any of this. Like I'm going to say "I'm sorry - what an ass! Why don't you come on over and look through my entire database and see of you can't find what you're looking for." Ha! I explained to her that I am unable to disclose any employee information without a request and the employee's authorization to release information in writing. Usually, this is the end of the conversation. Instead she says, very snottily, "Can you transfer me to him?". I was kind of dumbstruck, and explained to her that our company has almost 600 employees nationwide. She says "So, you can't transfer me to him?". I should have just hung up on her right then. She launches into a tirade about how ridiculous I am, and what if this were an emergency how would she get a hold of him. I really didn't know what to say other than "no". There was some sort of colossal miscommunication betwixt us in which she did not understand that if I agree to take a message for this person, I am violating the company policy not to release any information about him. If I take a message for him, doesn't that imply that he works for us? She just would not give up, and kept talking at me like I was a piece of dirt. Not pleased.

Fourthly, I was caught in the middle of the Stupidest Argument Ever between one of the accounting clerks and her supervisor. The employee ended up coming back to my office and saying "you forgot to take your phone off DND (do not disturb)." I looked at her and said "No I didn't." She looks at me and says. "You don't want to be disturbed then." I'm looking at her, and thinking I really need to choose my words carefully! I told her I had been working on a project and what did she need? She says, "I'm going to call you" and runs away. Rolling my eyes I turn my phone back on and answered the phone when it rang three seconds later. The dumbest part about this is that I can actually hear her talking form her desk as well as on the phone. Stupid. I tell her I will run some reports and see what I can't figure out. She called me back twice after that. Both times I had to grit my teeth and tell her "as soon as I get this worked out, I will let you know". It was bad too because she doesn't speak English very well, and the second time she called, I don't even know what the hell she said!

It is now 4:15. I wanted to leave at 2:30. Gah! Now not only am I paranoid and thinking I should be at home hiding under the bed, I have to fight Friday traffic to pick up both boys.

Tomorrow I am planning a trip to visit my older sister, and we have a lovely Mother's Day planned with my husband's family. I will concentrate on letting out the bad to make room for the good!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

You Are 24% Girly

You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit.
Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

Thanks to Reese the Law Girl for this one!

Now, maybe my husband won't think I'm "high maintenance" for blowdrying my hair in the mornings.

Also, that comment you made while we were camping and I was brushing out my hair "Oh, I'm dating one of those girls".

Ha! ;P

Monday, May 08, 2006

They should have given us word problems like this in school instead of asking about the speed of some stupid trains! OMG.

"Miss Robyn,

Need some help here.

If one guy works a full 4 days then 1 short scheduled day and then comes in 2 extra days, I take the first part of his Sat to cover his 40 hr.s right? All the rest is overtime.

Miss P doesn’t understand why I took some of his Weekend hours away to cover his 40 hr week when two of us didn’t work a full 40 hrs and still got overtime (cause our’s was from a 8 + hr. day.)
Can you help me to explain this scenario, please?

My brain hurts.

My son has ears! And other things I noticed this weekend.....

I took my 2 year old to get his haircut. For the first time. I had been cutting his hair at home, but he freaks out completely, and I can usually only get about half of his hair cut before he becomes absolutely hysterical.

There is this great hair cutting place in Vacaville called "Kids Carousel Cuts". They have a play area with a huge castle, all sorts of toys, video games and a TV showing videos. They also have some chairs that are made out of old toys; there was an airplane and a couple of cars, for the kids to sit in while they get their hair cut. I was hoping that all this would make the job of cutting my son's hair easier. Maybe he would behave better for a stranger than he does for me? WRONG! We started him out sitting in a car, but he was upset that it wouldn't go anywhere. Then, he wouldn't put on the plastic cape. Luckily, I had thought ahead that he might not want to wear it, and brought a spare shirt. Maybe I should have thought more ahead and brought valium for both of us! He sat on my lap, and the nice hair cut lady got started. I wish I could tell you her name, but it was completely unpronounceable. I had asked her so I could introduce her to old baby before we got started. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

Even though old baby squirmed and screamed, she did an excellent job of cutting his hair. As soon as we were done, I took off his shirt, and took him to the bathroom to wipe off his face. I think the cool cloth helped sooth him, as well as brush off the bits of hair that were bothering him. Less than one minute after he was done with his haircut, he was his old self again. We stayed and played with their toys for a few more minutes then took our leave.

I had passed the Vacaville/Elmira cemetery on the way in. Not knowing Vacaville too well, I was never too sure how to get there. I decided we would stop on the way home and visit my Gran. We pulled into the cemetery and old baby noticed all the flowers. He loves flowers. Well, he loves almost everything right now!

We parked, and it took me a little while to find the grave. I eventually had to set new baby down as he weighs almost 20 pounds, and God only knows how much he weighs in the baby carrier! We finally found the grave, and we sat and enjoyed the sunshine for a while. I told old baby that next time, we would bring flowers with us to put in the vase. He looks at me and says "Flowers?" I showed him where the flowers would go. He looked around, and started pulling the tiny flowers up out of the grass, and dropping them one by one into the vase. It was so sweet. My Gran and Grandpa both would have been pleased to know their great grandson.

I also participated in the Tour de Cure on Sunday. It is a fundraiser for diabetes research. My sister in law started a team three years ago called the "Coffee Clutchers". This is my third year riding. We do the 10 mile "family" ride through the beautiful town of Yountville. We leave from the Veteran's Home, drive through town, out into the country, and back again. The weather was beautiful. I had spent all afternoon on Saturday attaching a carriage to my bike for old baby. I think I invented three new swear words! I had two minor bike malfunctions once the event started, but luckily, I was able to "MacGuyver" my way through! There were so many times I could have stopped, turned around and gone back, but I didn't. It was hard work, but I made it all the way through! WE made it all the way.

Friday, May 05, 2006

"A Philippine judge who claimed he could see into the future and admitted consulting imaginary mystic dwarfs has asked for his job back after being sacked by the country’s Supreme Court."

Who says they're imaginary? Bunch of close minded so and so's!

P.S. Seeing imaginary mystic dwarves won't get you sacked around here. I tried. That's OK though - it's Cinco de Mayo and we get BEER with lunch! The dwarves are underage - more for me!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

"What color are daddy's eyes?"


"What color are New Baby's eyes?"


"What color are mommy's eyes?"


"What color are your eyes?"

The 2 year old looks pensively at his reflection in the window for a moment, then shouts out:


Oh, God - I am such an idiot!

I totally lied to a co-worker today. LIED!

She and I both grew up in Napa and we were reminiscing about our teenage years. Specifically, The "rebops" and the old graveyard out on Partrick Road. She started mentioning some graveyards around the valley that were worth checking out. They have some beautiful old headstones. She said that at one in particular she and a friend used to do "balloons". She asked if I knew what that was. Instead of just fessing up that I have no clue, I just laughed and said, "Sure I do!".

So, what the hell does that mean? I am counting on the input of someone much cooler than me, possibly with a checkered past, to clue me in.

This is the T.H.O. incident all over again!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I Forgot!!

New Baby turned over all by himsalef for the first time on Sunday.

Yay New Baby!

Unfortunately, Daddy missed it, and we have not yet seen a repeat performance. This means I'm going to have to start looking out for a roly-poly baby rolling his way around the house. I remember Old Baby at that age. We had such a small apartment, he didn't have very far to roll! He started crawling the week before Mother's Day, but it was this inch-worm type thing; he didn't actually start crawling on his hands and knees for a couple of months. He always looked like he was flying with his head held up and arms straight out and feet kicking in the air behind him!

I have been bringing the baby in with me every morning when I drop Old Baby off at daycare. Ms. Mary always says New Baby is getting "big and juicy". She (jokingly) asked me what I fed him, and I said "steak and eggs mostly". She thought that was pretty funny!

I can't remember if I posted after New Baby's 4 month check up, and I can't be bothered to check right now, but he weighed in at 18 pounds, 11 ounces. I need to weigh him again this weekend to make sure he hasn't reached maximum capacity in his baby seat, which is 20 pounds. I never dreamed a baby could actually outweigh a baby seat! That also means a trip to the store to buy another car seat. We have two already, but it would be nice for New Baby's babysitter to have one, and not drag the car seat in and out of my car every day.

My parents aren't going to recognize him when they get back from their trip in 3 weeks!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Note to self, take 2......

Next time you buy dental floss, shell out the extra $.10 and get the waxed dental floss.

Otherwise, save your money and just use an old shoe string.

Note to self......

Next time, buy pitted dates.


The sun is finally shining - and we didn't enjoy a minute of it this weekend!!

My husband is fighting a terrible cold - I haven't seen him this sick since he had pneumonia. I have been taking care of both kids, and trying very hard not to ask him to help out with anything so he can rest. That is MUCH easier said than done! I realized this weekend exactly how much I count on his help with, well, everything. I mean, I think that I ask my husband for help roughly every 4 minutes on an average day. It made me think too about single parents, and how they have to make a go of it themselves every day, all the time. I don't know how anyone does it alone without going into stark raving bitch mode.

I had so much planned to do this weekend around the house. Our community is having a garage sale next weekend, and my job was to clean out the garage and separate everything, once and for all, into piles for garbage, garage sale and keep. Anyone who has read this blog over the past year knows what a challenge it is for me to clean my frickin garage! I was all psyched to do it - and then my husband has to go and get sick! The nerve.

I am also participating in the "Tour de Cure" next Sunday. This will be the third year I have hopped on my bicycle to raise money for Diabetes research. I haven't even sat on my bike since last year's ride! I want to take old baby with me this year, but I'm not too sure I can manage putting together the baby carriage that attaches to the back of the bicycle. I am not mechanically minded, so even if I did manage to get the thing attached, I would worry that I didn't do it right.

Since I wasn't able to do any of this during the weekend, I will be attempting to work on it in bits and pieces every night this week. This means an unprecedented amount of gumption on my part!