Borderline Retarded

Monday, June 27, 2005

Wardrobe Malfunction

So I was just in the bathroom, and I noticed my underwear is on inside out.

At least my shirt isn't inside out, I've done that before!

I guess I actually need to open my eyes when I get dressed in the morning!

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Pregnancy Update

I want to thank everyone for sending their warm fuzzies this way regarding my pregnancy. I appreciate all of your encouragement!

I was having some wicked morning sickness until a week ago - and now it seems to be slacking off. I am trying not to be too excited about that. My last pregnancy I was sick the whole nine months, and I had to give myslef insulin shots every night because I had gestational diabetes. The blood sugar levels are normal so far, but I'm sure I will be tested again in about 5 weeks.

I am just starting my second trimester. I can still fit into most of my clothes, but those days are growing shorter! One bonus - my boobs have gotten huge(er?). KOM says he can't tell, but I can!

This time around I am at ease, and feel less stressed out and worried. I guess having a little one running around helpes keep your mind off the troublesome things. Also, the scariest part about my last pregnancy was the labor and delivery part. But, I've not forgotten too much - so I'm not as worried this time around. Nature works in mysterious ways, because if I remembered every detail of my delivery, there is no way I'd be doing this again. When I started pushing, my very first thought was, "How did Grandma do this 6 times?". My very next thought was, "I am never doing this again!". So much for that idea!

Thanks again, and I will be sure to keep you updated.

What, me square?

So I took the "What 60's personality are you?" quiz, and it said I was a square. I kind of huffed for about 1/2 a second, then shrugged my shoulders and said, Meh. They were right! What I thought was hilarious was the picture they used to represent the "square" as seen below:

I remembered my first holy communion, and I was wearing the exact same bonnet!

And then, because I didn't want you to think it was merely a coincidence, I rumaged through my parent's photo albums until I found this picture of me and my big sis at Easter:

My sister and I had matching dresses like that until we were probably teenagers. They were all gifts from my grandparents, and I loved them! What was great is that I never outgrew them, because I would get my sister's dresses as hand-me-downs. I loved everything with frills and petticoats. I always wanted to be dressed like "Little House on the Prairie" or basically any era that required ginormous skirts and high collars.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Funny story.....

I just had the best lunch with two of my co-workers. We were exchanging funny stories about our men, and I remembered this one about KOM:

It was a dark and sultry night.... just kidding! It was a regular night, and we drove down the street to the closest bar for a few drinks with one of our friends. I drove my car, and KOM arrived with our friend. This place is called the Riverside Lounge. It's not so scary that you worry about catching a disease from the toilet seat, but not far off. It's main attraction is that it was right down the street!
When I pulled up in the parking lot, I parked right in front of the entrance. Something caught my eye from inside, and I said to myself "Is that woman wearing nothing but underwear?" I figured I was just seeing things, it was probably a short skirt. I walked inside and to the bar to order a drink. Suddenly, this young woman walked up to me wearing nothing but a sheer negligee. I mean, nothing but a sheer top, bikini underwear, garters and stockings and heels. She was all white and lacy. "Do you want to buy a raffle ticket?" she asks politely. I say "What are the tickets for?" She runs her hand down the length of her body and says "This!". Several thoughts went through my mind, mainly, was she going to wash those things before she gave them away? Apparently, she raffles off one piece at a time, but not from what she's actually wearing. She has unused ones to give out. I say "No, thanks!" and she walks off.
I notice after I sit down at the table with KOM and our friend that everyone in the bar is extremely well behaved. There were no other women in the place, and all the men were being on their best behavior. She sold a lot of raffle tickets! I thought the whole thing was very amusing. Apparently Tuesday nights at the Riverside Lounge were always Lingerie Night. We had no idea!
While I'm thinking this is pretty cool, KOM and his friend are getting all fidgety, and decide I need to hurry up and drink so we can leave. While I'm finishing up, the nice lady came by our table to offer raffle tickets to the boys, They stammer and blush, and she wisely walks away.
As we are leaving the bar, I say "Well, she had very nice nipples". KOM says, "You could see her nipples?" I said, "Duh, didn't you see them, they were right there!!" He says, "No, I didn't look!" I think my response was, "Dumbass!" At first I didn't believe that he didn't look, but he seemed so genuinely bummed that he missed them, I had to believe him. I made fun of him mercilessly for ages after that! But part of me was very proud of him!

No no, thank you!

Can I give a shout out to all those wonderful Hispanic men I know? What is is it with Hispanic men and their apppreciation of women in the "family" way? I'm not even showing yet, but I keep getting the blushing grinning men around here following me around. It is great!! I drove over to drop some paperwork to Chava at one of our warehouses, and he kept glancing at my belly and grinning so wide you'd think he was the one that put the bun in the oven! And he was blushing too!
My good friend A had twins several years ago. She was the first one of my friends to have a baby. We would go for walks down the street, and truckloads of hispanic men would actually whistle at her. At first she was offended, but then she thought, well, there are worse things! I thought it was great. The white men I know would rather die than even talk about "womany" things. They don't want anything to do with pregnant women. When I had the horrible morning sickness at my last job, I would come out of the bathroom and every person with a penis had vacated the building. Except the hispanic guys. Especially the Soto brothers. There were about 7 of them I think! They would make sure I had a glass of water, or something to eat or a cool washcloth. They would never leave me alone in the office if I was feeling poorly. What gentlemen! Someone raised them right!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


I heard the two best words today from my co-worker Keri. Her best friend since High School, George, is gay, and she goes to gay pride in "Frisco" and Cher concerts with him. She is the worlds greatest fag hag. Gay men are always asking her how they can get a fag hag of their very own.....

Anywho - she was telling me that she went to George's boyfriend's sister's graduation party a couple of weeks ago. George's boyfriend's mom has about 12 sisters. Apparently, one of them is a little bit slow, and thought Keri was George's girlfriend. Keri said, no - George is your nephew's boyfriend!! She was like - Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry - got a little bit confused there! George laughed and said, I've slept with a chick but not Keri. George's boyfriend said, well, I've never slept with a woman. His aunt seemed very surprised, and said, well, how do you know you are gay? Keri doesn't tolerate that stuff too well, so she jumped right in and said, have you slept with any women? Well, then how do you know you're straight? The aunt was like, I don't get it? Keri said that you basically know whether you are a lesbian or gay or not.

Actually, the words she used were "vagitarian" and "meat stalker".

I think I squirted water out my nose!

Do you know where your KOM is?

So, am I the only one waiting in breathless anticipation for KOM to update his blog? He's feeling a litlle under the weather, but that's no excuse!! How am I supposed to make it through my day without something new and terribly witty from you my dear? Enquiring minds want to know!

Free drinks for ladies with nuts.....

I went to lunch today at this Mexican food joint with one of my co-workers. I excused myself to use the ladies room, and I was amused by the following sign:

"Please DO NOT throw tolit paper in the tolit. Please throw it in the garbage can"

At first I was chuckling to myself, because "toilet" was misspelled, and I am easily amused. Then, I actually read the sign...and thought, eewww. That's kind of gross for a restaurant, right? I kind of expected to go out and see this sign above the sink....

"Please DO NOT wash hands in the sink. Use the tolit"

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

It's a Girl Thing......

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about women who get away with anything, simply because they are women. We were watching Seinfeld last night, and Jerry was dating this good looking blonde, and he turned into a right bastard and used her horribly to get out of everything from speeding tickets to paying for crappy cigars.

I have never had this power. Part of me is proud that I am self-sufficient enough to rely on myself, but every now and again it would be so nice to be able to get away with something just by batting my eyelashes or quivering my bottom lip. I know there are some of you out there who have used and abused this power, and I want to hear about it! Tell me your craziest stories and what you got away with. Guys, this is not a bitch fest for you . This is simply for me to bask in someone else's glory and ponder the intricacies of the female of the species.

Monday, June 20, 2005

The one about the bear....

I was looking at the tiger skin photo from Porter SR's blog, and I remembered a story from our honeymoon.

We went to Yosemite for 5 days after we got married. It was wonderful. We were there at the end of September, and everything was winding down. We stayed in Camp Curry in a cabin. The only bad thing was that there were no "facilities" in our cabin, you had to walk down to the gang showers a few rows down. KOM and I would hang out at the bar until it closed about 10:00, then head back to our cabin. I hit the ladies room on the way back, and KOM went ahead to our cabin. I left the bathroom and walked down the the end of the row to head back home, and I looked up as I rounded the corner. There less than 100 feet away from me was a brown bear. My heart stopped, and I tried to remember what you were supposed to do in case you came face to face with a bear. I'm pretty sure running away at top speed was not the correct way to go - but it's exactly what I did! Luckily, as soon as the bear saw me, it turned tight around and lumbered off in the opposite direction. It was headed back towards the food area we had just left. So, I'm running as fast as I can mumbling "bear" under my breath, when I practically fall on top of KOM, who is sitting in the doorway of the cabin smoking a cigarrette. He casually asks - "Did you see the bear?" I yelled somehting like "Get the fuck out of my way!". I think I left track marks on his forhead as I lept over him and peeked out through the window. We can hear small groups of screams here and there, getting further away, so we figure we're all right. KOM looks at me and says, "It was kind of small." I think I must have knocked his ass out for the rest of the night. Of course every single noise I heard that night was a bear, so I didn't sleep really well.

The next day we went to one of the museums at Yosemite, and there was a stuffed brown bear on exhibit. Again, my husband says - "I really thought they would be bigger". I just rolled my eyes and walked off. KOM bought me a Camp Curry souvenir, with a brown bear on it. I love that souvenir!

Borderline Retarded.....the history

Happy Monday. I am again at work, and farting around on the computer instead. My boss just told me he is leaving for the rest of the day - cool!

CAUTION - this post is extremely long......

KOM brought me to tears this morning with his lovely post about me - what a sweet heart! It's so nice to know that I am loved and respected by the man of my dreams even after all these years. As to why I went "slumming", I bet you can guys can guess why. The man is friggin hilarious!! Also, the most intelligent person I've ever met.

I think KOM and I "met" a few times before actually meeting as adults. He was playing in a band at my friend A's Halloween party in High School - probably tenth grade or so. I don't remember talking to him at all. Besides, I was not a happy camper that night. My mom was going to make me a Cleopatra costume, and she put it off until the night of the party. As I was getting ready, she came to me and said, "Sorry, I didn't get a chance to make your costume". I was crushed as only a 14 year old girl can be. Luckily, I had a box of old costumes to go through, and I dressed as a clown instead. Ths saddest clown ever!!

Flash forward about three years. We are just out of high school - I think it was Thanksgiving weekend. My parents and younger sister were at Cal Poly to spend the holiday with my older sister and I had the house to myself. Well, being the good girl that I am, I didn't have much planned. My boyfriend had just freshly broken up with me, and I was sitting around watching TV when there came a knocking at the door. I open the door to find at least 6 strapping lads standing on my doorstep. All a flutter, I say, "Uh, Hi." Their representative says, "We're friends of Jen W. She said we could come over." "OK", I say. "Come on in." They all flopped into the living room, and we commenced to have the most uncomfortable half hour of my life. I think I heard crickets chirping. KOM was there, but I didn't recognize him. I did recognize a few of his friends from Middle School. I was wondering how many other people were going to randomly show up at my door for a party my best friend decided to throw at my house. And I didn't even think to offer up the liquor in the pantry - but I was thoroughly cleaned out of leftovers by the end of the night. We hot boxed the bathroom and had a grand old time. I, of course, never got high (seriously).

Flash forward 2 more years. I had just moved in with my Grandfather, who was not able to live on his own anymore. I had been living in Hawaii with my family for about 9 months, and moved back in February of 1997 (My dad worked at Pearl Harbor). My good friend Kelley was now living in her own place with a couple of roommates. She had gone to the other high school in town, so when I showed up at her place, it was filled to the brim with people I didn't know. For me, that was kind of a blessing, as I was very shy, and did not like to run into people I went to school with. That would be the first time I would say I actually met KOM. I was smitten with that man from then forward. The very next time I made it into town to hang out, I was looking for him to show up. I was with Jen W, and another guy, and he came up to our table at the pub. His first words were "who's going to buy me a drink!". I laughed and said of course I would buy him a drink. Little did I know he could drink an entire pitcher of beer on his own! At some point we realized the the "subversive" party he and his friends kept referring to was the one thrown at my house a couple of years before.

KOM was fresh off the boat from his trip to Europe, as you might have read in his blog, and full of great stories. His relationship with his friends was amazing, they were the greatest group of guys I have ever met. He has been friends with some of them since elementary school. The way they play off each other leaves your sides splitting. It understandable why I loved to be around them so much, and hated to be around my boyfriend, the same one I'd been with since High School, who seemed like an anchor around my neck. We were having so many problems, and I didn't know what to do. Somehow, I was trying to break up with him without hurting his feelings. Staying out all night was difiicult, and I wasn't able to visit town very often, because I was taking care of my grandfather. My sister would fill in for me, and I took every opportunity to hang out wherever KOM was going to be. I remember one night after the bar closed, we headed over to KOM's crap ass apartment. I was all worried, because we hadn't been invited over. Jen W. was like, "Whatever, you don't have to be invited over like it's Sunday dinner. It's OK". I didn't think it was OK - but I went along anyway. We trooped up the rickety stairs. The three other girls walked in before me, and just as I step over the threshold, KOM looks up from rolling his joint and says "FUCK! Where are all you people coming from?" I immediately turned bright red and ran back out. I hung out on the porch the rest of the night. I was so embarrassed!

I spent all summer with nights like these, (not quite so embarrased!) and by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I was desperately wishing I could be free to pursue a relationship with KOM. Firstly, I never dreamed that he would be interested in me more than just friendship wise. That of course was my inexperience in the dating pool coming through. I remember the night I went out after my boyfriend broke up with me again (this time because he was upset I went to the mall with him just wearing jeans and a T-shirt: he didn't think he should be seen with someone with so little fashion sense.) I was feeling great, and went out on the town with Kelley and her roommate Jill. We went to the local bar without the sticky floors, and KOM as well as a couple of other friends were there. it was perfect, because it was just a few of us, and not the teeming throng it usually was. I remember telling KOM that my boyfriend and I had broken up, and he said he was sorry, he knew how bad those things could be. I was at peace with it though. The night was inevitably ruined though because of Kelley's roommate, who was acting like a rhino in heat. I went up to the bar and as I was waiting for my drink, another guy friend came over and started asking about the photography class I was taking at the JC. I had known this guy forever, and didn't think talking to him was such a bigh deal, but then I caught the red glare of Jill's eyes boring into me, and I realized that I was talking to the guy she had her sights set on, and she was pissed. I mean, I thought she was going to run over and mark her territory, then run me down! She stomped out of the bar, and Kelley went running after, then I went running after, because Jill was my ride. I thought she was acting very bizarre, and I had to keep from laughing at her. But, I always wondered what KOM and I would have talked about if we had been left to our own devices.

My story picks up again a few weeks later. I had gotten back together with my boyfriend, for several reasons. One, he was calling me constantly and crying on the phone. Two, my grandfather was going downhill fast, and I had no one to help me other than my sister, who could only come every now and again, and only at night. I didn't have the energy to keep fielding these phone calls from my ex, so I took him back so he would leave me alone. Terrible, I know, but I didn't know what else to do. My parents and sister had flown in from Hawaii to visit with Grandpa, because they weren't sure he would make it to Christmas. Talk about stress! Kelley was going to throw an early Christmas party. I was able to plan with my sister to spend the night so I could go out. Boy, was I looking forward to it. I went out and bought a new red dress - all shimmery and sparkly, very festive. I was all a twitter by the time I got to Kelley's, and I could not wait to see KOM. Something inside me had just exploded, and I was on the hunt. I decided I knew what I wanted, and I was going to get it. Very forward for me!! I had come to the realization that life was short, and I was very unhappy. I was going to talk to KOM, and let it all out. I had stayed awake many nights thinking about him, and wondering if he felt the same way about me. I don't know where I got the courage, but I made sure that I was with KOM all night, and that it was me who was going to drive him home. My master plan was finally laid into motion, and at about 3:00 am we hit the road back to his place. We chatted, and by the time we reached his street, I knew I had to say something or I might never have the courage again. I told him that I like him very much, and I wished that things were different because I wanted to get to know him better. KOM had the car door open with one leg out as I said this. He looked at me and said something like, "I wish things were different too." He swung his leg back in the car, and shut the door. "We'd better keep on driving", he said.

We drove around for a little while, then went back to his place. I can't even recall the details of our conversation, but we were definitely into each other. I was just amazed that he liked someone like me. I never really thought it would go anywhere, but would be just a crush. At one point I looked at KOM, whose hands were shaking. I said, "are you OK?" and he said, "I really want to kiss you". I was in awe - because no one had ever wanted to kiss me before. I just leaned in, and we kissed. It was great. He undressed me, and told me I looked like Venus coming out of the shell. We made love, and held each other until the sun came up. I hated to leave him that morning - I actually had a final at 8:00 am to get to. On the way home, I listened to a tape which I still have to this day. I always think of him when I listen to it now. That afternoon, I called my boyfrined, and we talked it over, and I told him I couldn't be with him anymore. He understood, and actually agreed with me. I wish for KOM's sake that I had that conversation with him 24 hours earlier, because he always feels badly, like we cheated. I never have known how to explain to him that he doesn't need to worry.

That is the story of how KOM and I first got started in this life together. We have been together for almost 8 years. I have loved getting to know him - it hasn't always been easy. He can be very complex. But well worth the effort. I will always be proud to be his woman, and the mother of his children. He is the most intelliginet and thoughtful man I have ever met. He respects his mother and father, and loves his family. He makes me feel like the most beautiful and precious woman on earth.

All right - enough with the sappy!

Friday, June 17, 2005


I know this topic has come up with almost everybody, and I wanted to discuss it as well. When KOM first started his blog, I inadvertantly used part of his name as my identity when commenting on blogs. I didn't realize what a faux pas that was until afterwards. Do you guys really have weirdo stalkers who actually find out where you live, or are they just on-line creepies? I have to think it won't be much of an issue, for me anyway. I am very unremarkable. I would say 75% of my employees are truckers, and you know what a weird lot they can be, and not a single stalker among them. If I don't interest any of these people, how could I possibly interest anyone else? I haven't had a stalker since I was 19 or 20 years old, and even he wasn't very scary. He was just a lonely middle aged man who still lived with his mother. And they didn't let him carry a real gun. He actually wrote a story and used me as the main character. It was pretty bad. I gave him this photo of me from the civil war reenactment dressed like Scarlett O'Hara at the garden party for the cover of the book. I didn't think anything was weird until he talked about wanting to take me out to the woods to take some pictures of me. That's when the alarm bells started ringing. But other than that, my stalker que has been devoid of human life.
I want to post pictures of my son, because he is the most gorgeous thing on this planet. But, I will continue to err on the side of caution.


I am the payroll manager for a company that employees roughly 600 employees country wide. All things considered, my job is very low key and low stress. I have little if nothing to complain about. I like my job. However, all it takes is for one screwball asshole jerk to ruin an entire day. Do you hate it when the jerk actually says, "I'm not trying to be a jerk here....", and you want to say, "Well, for someone trying not to be a jerk, you're not doing a very good job", but instead you say, "I understand. I'll take care of it". I don't know this guy, but I know this guy. He will get off the phone with me, and smack his "girl" on the ass as he leaves to go play golf for the rest of the day, and joke to his friends about the bimbo he told where to stick it.
OK - I have that out of my system. Now I can go back to thinking about the hundreds of satisfied men and women who love and adore me. It is so cool being the payroll lady! Not a single person at this company has ever been rude or unkind to me. You gotta love that. I truly am the luckiest person around! Did I mention I tend to be rather optimistic at times?

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Hello, is there anybody out there?

Dear diary:

Today I started a blog. I am still waiting for my computer to burst into flames, as I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I should actually be working - but time enough for that later. I am hoping to have a few aquintances stop by, like KOM, Jerk, Desiree and Reese. I guess KOM is really more of a friend seeing as how I have sex with him and all......................................Woops, sorry. Got distracted there for a second! How do you clean drool off a keyboard? Just let it dry up I guess! In this place, I intend to speak rather unabashedly about myself, and any number of topics. I think it is great to have a forum to be yourself, when nobody knows who you are! This feels so safe and happy. It's like how you would like to act when you are at work, but don't want to scare the "normals". Take care people, I'll be talking to you soon.