Borderline Retarded

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I was checking out those people who were checking me out, and I came across this:

Is it wrong to laugh?

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

My IT guy just dropped three Cadbury Creme Eggs into the candy basket by my office door. My first thought was , "Lunch!". But, I think I will abstain from the creamy goodness of the Cadbury Egg. I have for lunch, instead, a "South Beach Diet" boxed lunch. It looks rather good. It is some sort of chicken wrap.

I have had the good fortune to add my younger sister to the payroll at my company. We even get to have the odd lunch together. It has been wonderful. I think we will both be eating a lot better because we will be looking over each other's shoulders. I also need to bring my lunch to work instead of eating out all the time. Firstly, my pocketbook can't afford it. Secondly, my health can't afford it!

I have my check up at the blood pressure clinic tomorrow morning. I can't believe it has been six weeks already! I have to confess that I did not get onto the dreaded cardioglide - not even once! I will have to make a definite effort to do that. I think first I will have my husband sign a form that he PROMISES not to laugh at me! I don't think he actually would, but I am afraid of that for some reason.

I have made my parents argue twice in the past week regarding a health issue. I was on the phone with them (they always listen on 2 phones whenever I call) and they started arguing when I told them I had sprained my ankle at the snow park whether I should be putting hot or cold on it. Last night at dinner, they started arguing when I told them I might be put on blood pressure medication. My mom said "stay off of blood pressure medication as long as possible". Well, she said it, like, three times. My dad said "It's better to be on blood pressure medication than to have high blood pressure". I really, really have to learn not to tell them anything about anything. At least not when they are within earshot of each other.

Someday soon, I will HAVE to have a rant about my mother. It is so long overdue!

Wish me luck at the BP clinic!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Houston, we have a problem

It seems like 4:00 am is the "witching hour" at the homestead. Everything exciting happens at 4 in the morning, if it is going to happen at all.

This morning at 4:00 am we had a 2 year old with a wardrobe malfunction.

It started off with a rattling at our bedroom doorknob. I, apparently being the only sensible one that early in the morning, knew exactly who it was. My husband, on the other hand, apparently thought the Russians were coming because he started up in bed and, if I didn't know him better, I'd have thought he was reaching for a firearm! Old baby finally got the door open, and as I started to lift him up, I noticed that he was sopping wet. I mean, all the way to his toes. I obviously had done a piss poor (pun intended) job of putting on his diaper before bed. As a matter of fact, his diaper was the only dry thing on him!

I marched him back to his room and put him in some dry clothes. I checked his bed, and there was a sizeable wet spot. I wasn't much in the mood to be making the bed, and new baby was starting to wake up. I put old baby back into our bed, and tucked him. Of course, that didn't last very long!

I fed the baby what seemd like a reasonable amount, and put him back in his crib. Old baby decided waffles were a good idea, so I set him up at the kitchen table. During this process, new baby decided that he hadn't quite had his fill, and started fussing. I fed him some more from his bottle, and he went right back down to sleep. I cleaned up old baby after his waffles, and set him up on the couch with his Disney channel and a nice warm blanket. I then shuffled back to bed and slid under the nice warm covers.

The next 2 hours involved me falling asleep and instantly waking up as old baby found some new musical instrument or other to bang on. I don't know how he managed to drag out the xylophone, it was firmly wedged behind an immovable wooden toybox for a reason! It actually didn't sound half bad. He managed to play a perfect scale! Either that, or I was hallucinating. It made me think of Dana Carvey and how he joked about the cat poouncing on the piano in the middle of the night, and how it didn't sound half bad!

I had such a hard time dragging myself out of bed. But, after I got into the shower I wasn't feeling too poorly. I was only half an hour late to work! But, the bags under my eyes have helped me win over a very sympathetic audience!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


The family and I trekked out to my sister's house in Riverbank last weekend to have a "snow day". We had been planning it for almost a month, and the weather worked very well in our favor. There was a generous snowfall in the week before we headed up towards Sonora, and it truly was a "winter wonderland".

We left for the mountains at about 9:00 in the morning, and it was decided at the last minute that I would be driving. I've never driven in the snow before, and there is nothing more humbling than slipping and sliding around the road driving a minvan filled with your loved ones! I was glad we made it without incident.

Old baby seemd genuinely excited to see snow everywhere, but he looked like he was about to fall asleep after driving for two hours. I also had to pee like a race horse by the time we got there. I had already announced to the entire car that I was taking off as soon as the engine stopped to find the bathroom. My sister went with me. There were only outhouses, but it seems to me they smell so much better in the freezing cold! I hadn't even stopped to put on my jacket. I was trying to hurry without slipping and falling on my ass. I knew if I fell, that would be it! I wouldn't be able to get up without wetting myself! Unfortunately, I hadn't accounted for the toilet seat to be sopping wet. I had told my poor bladder we were almost there, then I had to stop and wipe up the seat. My bladder was not happy with me! That was the longest most satisfying piss I have ever taken in my life.

We made it back to the car and bundled everyone up. I didn't have a snow jacket per se, I just wore my rain coat. Next time I go to the snow, I will at least wear a sweatshirt underneath! I carried the baby in the front carrier covered in blankets. He had on a wee little snow hat that covered his ears. It was so cute! What I thought was so bizarre is that after we paid, they made the baby get his hand stamped. WTF? Are random babies sneaking into the snow park without paying really a problem? Whatever. At least they stamped his arm so he wouldn't be sucking on the ink!

We head out to the slopes and everyone starts to set up chairs and blankets. We are there all of five minutes when I, being the graceful cow that I am, lost my footing. My foot sank into the snow and my ankle twisted. Somehow I managed to fall backwards onto my ass, and not forwards onto the baby. The weight of the diaper bag did the rest of the damage and I was flat on my back. I couldn't even sit up, and my ankle was killing me. I made both my boys start crying, so I tried as hard as I could not to cry myself, although the pain was terrible. Everyone helped me up, and I hobbled over to one of the seats. God! How embarrasing! A guy I knew in High School called me an Oaf once, and I have to admit he was absolutely right!

Watching the kids play in the snow was so much fun! Old baby really loved it. He was so angry when it was time to go. I had to carry his screaming squirmy little body all the way back to the car, saying to him every three steps "are you sure you can't walk?". I also had the pleasure of trying to take off his wet clothes and put dry ones on. It was snowing at this point, and it seemed like his dry clothes would be soaked by the time I got him dressed! Finally, he was all dressed and buckled in. I made sure to tell him I loved him, and gave him a couple of kisses. It's always so hard to remember to do that after you've been fighting tooth and nail! He was asleep almost before we made it out of the parking lot.

I hope we can go to this snow park again next year. I have never gotten over my fascination with the snow. I wouldn't like to live in it, but it sure is fun to play in!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I've Decided.....

There is nothing more precarious than a homeless man on a bicycle.

It's really hard to pedal when you're wearing that many coats.

Rock a bye baby............

New baby slept through the entire night last night!

Woo hoo!!

Of course, I was awake at 4:00 am wondering when the baby was going to wake up and eat!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Happiness is.......

Me. I am the very definition of happiness!

Last night was one of the best nights ever. I got home with the kids at a fairly decent hour. I made meatloaf for dinner. My husband and I had so much fun playing with old baby. He was cracking us up! He is becoming such a little character. He is talking up a storm even more than usual. He launched into this tale about how the sun goes night-night, and the moon and the stars come out when it gets dark. It brought tears to my eyes that my little guy has this wonderful mind - you can actually see him thinking and trying to make sense of his little world.

I told my husband that I am ready to have another baby! I must be absolutely insane! We haven't talked seriously about the possibility of having another child. That is a conversation that can wait a few years. I just know that right now, the idea of not having another child makes me sad.

I also feel a bit guilty and selfish. What about those people that can't even have one child? Should I be happy with what I have and not reach for thirds?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Back to Work

I've been back to work since last Wednesday. So far, so good! Everyone has been very nice and said how happy they are that I am back. My replacement left for Thailand the day after I got back. She'll be back in two weeks. I don't blame her - I'd want to get the hell out of Dodge too!

I was talking to my IT guy yesterday. I had just gotten off the phone with one of our slightly more insane employees (read: truck driver). I told him I'd love this job if it weren't for the frickin' employees!

Luckily for me, I pay everybody. So, for the most part, people are on their best behavior when they call!

Everyone keeps asking me "how is it to be back?". Well, good I guess. The hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that I can't just kiss little chubby baby cheeks whenever I want. Now, I have to wait for that priviledge! We, as a family, are still trying to work out the routine. Luckily, I get to leave early on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I would go crazy if I had to go all day every day without seeing my baby! I'm hoping that particular guilt will ease in a couple of months, when I do have to start working full time.

My mom and dad are watching the baby for me until the end of April, then my brother-in-law will start watching him. After the first day that my parents babysat him, my mom says "we've been talking and laughing all day. We have a connection." Well, whatever makes you happy lady! The only really annoying thing is how when we get together at family gatherings she is the expert and final say about what is wrong with the baby every time he makes a noise. I went through that with my brother and sister in law when they started watching old baby. I just sit back and take a deep breath. It doesn't hurt anything - I just find it a tad annoying! I hope for my mother's sake that new baby takes a liking to her. Old baby is just now starting to warm up to her. I think if she weren't so pushy, he would have come around a long time ago. She's getting in good with new baby by spending so much time with him now, so they can connect.

My parents are watching the baby up until they leave for a trip to Australia in May. Squishy will have to take some time off and show them a good time!