Borderline Retarded

Friday, June 30, 2006

The signs were all there -and yet, I chose to ignore them.

I grabbed the kids and buckled them into their car seats - on time and everything! As I walked around the car, I noticed that the front tire was flat. I ran back in the house and asked my husband to start looking around for a new tire.

I figured I would drive down the street, pump some more air into the tire, then take the kids to daycare and get to work.

Gas station #1: After waiting about 10 minutes to pull into the spot next to the air machine, I notice that it is GONE.

Gas station #2: This ARCO has been open for maybe a month - air pump is OUT OF SERVICE.


I decide not to drive the kids around in this vehicle any more, so we went home. It was about 7:00 am.

For some reason, my body completely failed me at this point, and I passed out. Cold. I kind of remember waking up from time to time, my husband saying weird things to me like "Did that sound as loud outside my head as it did inside?" and my old baby running in and out of the room approximately every 30 seconds, throwing things at my head.

I finally dragged myself up around 9:15, made breakfast for old baby, and called Costco. They didn't open until 10:00.

I found out that Costco doesn't carry the size tire I need, because you know, minivans are all unique and hard to come by, so I called Big-O tires. They were able to hook me up. By 11:30 I was the proud owner of a brand new tire.

I called my boss as I got on the highway. He mentioned he was getting worried about me - he figured it would take maybe an hour to get my flat tire taken care of. After I stopped laughing, I told him to expect me in the office in about an hour.

That's when the wall of flame on the highway caused some minor traffic delays.

I finally made it home around 1:00. I had called my husband via cell phone while stuck in traffic, and he told me he thought new baby might have chicken pox.

At this point, I started to wonder "maybe God is trying to tell me something". Well, God isn't putting a paycheck in my account every Friday, so I decided to go ahead and get my ass to work.

I am contemplating what my next action should be. Should I work until 5, then sit in traffic for possibly 2 hours to get to my house 10 miles away? OR should I look up some friends in Napa and have a few drinks? Geez, when you put it that way.......

Dear World......

Please, for the love of all that is holy, STOP SENDING ME E-MAILS LIKE THIS ONE. Do you not realize that every time I read one of these things I cry like a baby and have to explain to my co-workers that I just have allergies and no really, I don't need a pamphlet on how to battle depression and I swear I don't know how that bruise got there?

"A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been
6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.
It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.
Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom let's run through the rain," she said.
"What?" Mom asked.
"Lets run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing."

Enough already!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

"Mommy, room dirty"

"Oh really?"


"Do you know why mommy's room is so dirty?"


"It's because I spend all my time taking care of you"

The 2 year old looks at himself in the mirror and laughs. He turns to his mommy and says:

"Mommy, I poop"

"My point exactly"

don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts don't buy donuts

Stop saying "donuts" already. Sheesh!

Monday, June 26, 2006

So I was all prepared to write a long heart wrenching tale that would have you tuning your violins. I was busy organizing my thoughts for a blog entry this morning in between getting the kids ready to go.

I was signing old baby in at day care. There happened to be a very polite young man, about 10 years old. He held open the door for me which I always appreciate. I commented on it to one of the day care employees. She gave me a look, and said "Oh, you hadn't heard?". In my experience, this type of comment is always followed by some morbid tale or other. It was explained to me that this young man's mother died three weeks ago. He was the one that found her and had to call 911. He has no father. The only family he has left in the world is his grandmother. Today was the first day he decided he could try and stay at the day care center all day. I didn't even try and stop the tears. I'm not stopping them now either.

So my problems don't really seem like, well, problems.

Thank you once again universe for reminding me exactly how lucky I am , and for the small hint to get over it, and be thankful that the people I love are healthy and alive.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Why do I always leave my camera at home?

I work in a business park out by the Napa airport. We are surrounded by warehouses and trucks born to haul. So, when an accident happens, it is usually a doozie! I was at my desk after returning from lunch for maybe 5 minutes when I got a call to come out to the front.

Just across the street from us, a truck had run over the fire hydrant, and we have a geyser of water shooting 40 feet in the air. It is an impressive sight!

Someone had put two giant boulders around the hydrant to prevent this very thing from happening. The boulders are routinely dragged down the street by drivers who made the turn a little bit too tight. I guess they will have to make some other kind of arrangement that won't keep the fire department from being able to get to the hydrant.

It's about 90 degrees out right now, and I know I wasn't the only one who felt like running through the sprinkler!

You blogger folk are so awesome! Thank you for your help and support!

I haven't had anything to eat yet today. I want to try and start today out right. I think I will have a cup of coffee and go from there.

I am going out to lunch today with some co-workers. We are getting Mexican. I am glad I know this in advance, so I can try to talk myself into not ordering the deep fried deliciousness that is a chimchanga.

I'm thinking taco salad, made with chicken. And try not to eat the whole shell. Water to drink - no soda. But if I do drink soda, diet soda. The soda is going to be the hard part.

Can I do it? Can I actually make a decision and stick with it? I have never been one to hold back when it comes to indulging myself with food. I used to be satisfied though eating just half the plate. Now, I clean the plate every time.

Luckily, my friend Maria is trying to lose weight too. She is so great to talk to about these things. If I tell her to start making piggy noises halfway through my meal, or when I grab for another handful of chips, she will do it! I think between the two of us, she can make my mealtimes at work healthier.

And, if I do over-indulge, I will take Kingfisher's advice and "bang my husband like a wildcat". I'll have to see if that is on Weight Watchers list of physical activities.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I joined Weight Watchers last week.


I am not doing too well. I cannot figure out my compulsion to eat crap. I cannot eat enough sweet things. I eat when I'm not even hungry. Seriously, someone should stick me in a cell and feed me healthy food.

I remember joining Weight Watchers in high school with my mom and one of my sisters. Back then, the meetings made me very uncomfortable because if you gained weight that week, they would talk about it in front of everybody and make you feel like an ass. Some of the advisors had never even been on the program, and had never had weight issues. The most difficult thing for me though was trying to weigh and measure every bite I put in my mouth. I was in school for Pete's sake! I didn't have a fridge or a microwave or time to weigh and measure everything.

I wish I could have found something back then that worked for me, I might have lost the 20 pounds I needed to lose and been a lot healthier today. Now, I am faced with having to lose 100 pounds, or more, and I don't even know how to get started. I eyeball the instrument of doom sitting in my bedroom, covered in clothing, and berate myself for not just getting on the thing and doing it. JUST DO IT ALREADY!!

I am getting to the point where I am scared of the path I am headed down - and yet I still do nothing! What has to happen before I will finally do the right thing? I would have thought getting married would have spurned me on towards weight loss. Who wants to be a fat bride? I lost 15 pounds quite easily, then stopped because I was afraid of not fitting into my dress. I lost 15 pounds again just before I found out I was pregnant with new baby. Now, I know I need to work to not lose any more ground and try to keep my weight from climbing further, but what do I do?

Am actually think that there must be some kind of magic pill, or something that will help me lose weight. I think the amount of hard work ahead has me so depressed that I'm not willing to acknowledge it.

I have been entering everything into my "points" journal, and I am past my daily allowance of 22 points by breakfast almost every day.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I am so glad I was late to work this morning.

I was listening to the "Adam Carrolla" show on 106.9. It was a "best of" show, and one of the pieces was an interview with Harlan Williams followed by an interview with Seth McFarlane. OMG. I haven't laughed that hard since I smoked pot that one time and watched MST3K, "Warewolf"! They read the script from the Cantina scene from Star Wars. Adam as Han Solo, Peter Griffin as Obi Wan Kenobi, Stewie Griffin as Luke and Harlan Williams doing the best Chewbacca impersonation I have ever heard. Harlan even jumped in at the end with Shaggy from Scooby Doo as a storm trooper.

I love Seth McFarlane. If I weren't married to such a wonderful guy I would totally be stalking him. It's funny, because I was never much interested in watching "The Family Guy" when it first came out. My husband was watching it and talked me in to it. I can't believe I missed it for as long as I did because that is some hilarity right there!

One thing that came up during the interview was that Seth was supposed to be on flight 11 - I believe that is the first plane that flew into the World Trade Center on 9/11. I have heard Mark Wahlberg talk about originally being scheduled on one of those flights, but canceling. Well, Seth was hungover, and after his driver broke about 300 laws trying to get him to the airport, he rushed to the counter to be told that he couldn't get on the plane because the gate was closed. He assumed that the plane was actually still there. He decided to go to the airport lounge for a little hair of the dog, and fell asleep. He woke up later when a lot of commotion started happening, and about 20 minute after hearing the news on TV they announced the flight number. He looked at the guy next to him and said he was supposed to be on that flight. The other guy said (this is where Adam Carrolla jumps in and says "he asked you to do the Stewie voice, right?) he wasn't scheduled on that flight, but had taken it many times. They both ordered another cocktail.

I'm waiting for the Seth McFarlane book "How a Buttery Nipple Saved my Life".

Monday, June 19, 2006


My husband took new baby to his 6 month check up on Friday. 6 Months old already!

He weighs in at 21 lbs 12 oz. He is perfectly healthy. His doctor has advised us to start feeding him 4 to 5 hours apart, and get him started on some solid foods. Solid meaning applesauce and other gooey stuff.

I fed him some rice cereal which he could take or leave, and some applesauce, which he loves! This is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to see what his likes and dislikes are. It has always amazed me how these little tiny beings are actually people - and know whether they like something or not. I have a feeling that he will eat whatever I put in front of his face!

I took some pictures yesterday, I'll see if I can remember to put them up later!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


Oh, the pain of being stupid!!

I thought of some more things that happened that seriously make me wonder if I should be walking around without a helmet:

I've been complaining about the cheap-ass toaster oven I bought 7 years ago. The metal rack is too close to the bottom burner, and always burns whatever I put in there. Plus, the rack is always jumping out of it's track; I am constantly having to fix it. So, one morning I was feeling especially brainy, and I decided to take out the rack, turn it upside down, and re-install it. Guess what. I HAVE HAD THE STUPID FARGIN RACK IN THE TOASTER OVEN UPSIDE FLIPPIN DOWN FOR 7 YEARS.

Yes, pity me.

I had to have my computer exchanged out for a new one a couple of weeks ago. In the process, I lost all of my Excel spreadsheets that we use for the payroll templates. No biggie - I just re-created them using the current week's payroll info. Unfortunately, I got all excited and decided now was the time to fix all of those little things that had been wrong on the spreadsheets but never got around to fixing. I spend all morning changing the mileage columns from 2 decimal points to no decimal points, and pat myself on the back for a job well done. Hilarity ensues when I run my payroll reports the following week, and realize that the mileage columns were 2 decimal points FOR A REASON. In the process of importing all of the spreadsheets, the payroll system read all the mileage wrong. Instead of 2,415 miles for an employee, it listed it as 3 miles. So after running all the reports, I had to go in and change them all by hand, and re-run the reports. I wasted at least an entire ream of paper on this.

That's all I can think of for now. It is kind of nice to get this off my chest. It leaves plenty of space for the next dumb thing that comes around!

Monday, June 12, 2006

I took the family to Fresno this weekend for my annual family reunion. We had a great time. I was worried about making a 4 hour trip on Saturday morning, and then having old baby be all cranky for the rest of the day. He did so well!

We left the house at 7:45 and stopped for breakfast at a Denny's somewhere in Stockton. Old baby ate about 15 pancakes, eggs and bacon. I'm not sure he stopped to breathe!

We made it to Fresno at 12:00, and the party was in full swing. This is my Gran's family - she was the 12th of 13 children. Only my great uncle Bill and great aunt Vivian are still with us. We went to Roeding Park , which is where my family has been reunion-ing since the early 1900's. Our good friend Bria lives there now (in Fresno, not at the park), and met up with us there. We went to the zoo, and old baby had such a good time! He yelled at all the animals and got to pet sheep, goats and a llama, or "doggies" as he likes to call them, in the petting zoo. He got to run around with all his little cousins, and tried to run away with the balloon selling man. Next year maybe we will get there a little bit earlier and go to "Storybook Land", the carnival, ride the train and take a boat out on the pond. I have so many good memories of that place, I am happy to be able to share them with my kids too.

We all stayed at the same hotel and the party continued into the night. My older sister took old baby swimming which he absolutely loved. Everybody was just in awe of how pale he was walking around in his swim trunks. I think he actually glows in the dark! New baby was perfect, he barely puked on anybody. I, of course, managed to spill all sorts of crap right down the front of my shirt onto my boobs, the worst of which was 7 layer dip. Oh well, at least nobody got sunburned! New baby was so funny; my cousin Patricia was holding him and he was trying to grab her freckles!

I was rather proud of myself. I overheard my husband talking to his parents about how "gone are the days" when you could just pack one bag and leave for a week. It's true, our minivan was packed to the gills with the kid's stuff, but we used everything we brought. Normally, I would forget something like toothpaste, underwear, deodorant or formula and bottles. Not this time!! I was organized!

Can't wait till next year!

Several things that happened during the past week to make me feel more stupider than usual:

Placing several drops of chlortrimazole in my eye instead of eye drops. Ouch.

Sewing the bottom button back onto my shirt - wrong side out.

Driving to Target with my 2 year old in tow to return something and forgetting my debit card. And no, I DO NOT want store credit!

Then driving to Costco and getting all the way to the front entrance and realizing I forgot to make sure I had my Costco card. Having to turn the cart around and go back to the car to get it.

Going all the way through Costco and forgetting the main thing I was there to buy.

Telling a story to my dad and used the word "diaphragm" instead of "diagram". My mother is still laughing at that one.

Using baking powder instead of baking soda - scooping the baking powder out of the flour and measured the baking soda with a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon.

Going to the zoo and rounding a corner to see 2 giant Galapagos Tortoises doing the wild thing and exclaiming "Oh My GAWD!" way WAY louder than a grown woman should.

And that was just one week! I'm sure there are plenty more, I just can't remember them all.

Let's all bow our heads and pray that Robyn will grow a few extra brain cells this week.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

There is a lady I work with who seems to be stuck in the 80's. Just a little bit though, not too much!

Ms. K is really sweet, and I have mixed feelings about talking about her. On the one hand, I have NO PLACE to talk about the way anyone else dresses, but I do believe she actually is a worse dresser than I am, and I am totally shocked by that. I didn't think I would ever meet somebody who needed wardrobe help more than me! My friend Maria wants to sign her up for "What not to Wear" or some type of show where stylists hijack you and burn all your things. I don't know if I would go that far, because she obviously digs what she wears, and I respect that. Plus, you have to give the girl credit for being able to fit into the same clothes for the last 20 years.

We had our managers fly in from around the country for a big meeting a couple of weeks ago, and we all went out to dinner that night. She showed up wearing an outfit that was just right on the border of tacky, but not quite totally tasteless! She reminds me a lot of my aunt Rebecca. She makes her own jewelry and leather belts and purses and headbands and stuff, and will wear fishnet stockings when she needs to "dress it up". Ms. K was wearing a black mini skirt and a black tank top with little metal studs all across the front, and a black leather jacket. She is about as big as a minute, and is a heavy smoker. Her hair is down past her butt, and she has wicked long fingernails. She doesn't wear any makeup, but then again neither do I, or at least 1/3 of the women in our corporate office.

She loves LOVES loves Jimmy Buffet, and is going to a Huey Lewis / Chicago concert this weekend. We were out at lunch last week, and she says "Next Thursday, 5:00, in the conference room; Eddie Murphy, Delirious!" I don't think anyone answered her, so we just kind of thought the idea had died an early death. But, just before I left work yesterday, Ms. K. sent this e-mail:

Eddie Murphy Delirious Night

You are invited
June 22
5:00 p.m.
xxxxx xxxx Conference Room

Pot Luck Sign-up at xxxxx Desk

Come One, Come All

If you don't have a smile to bring, Eddie's got'cher back!
When I came into the office this morning, the only person who had signed up to bring something to the potluck was Ms. K!
She brings so much character to this office. I appreciate it that she does it in a harmless fun way, and not a bitchy mean way! I kind of wish I could hang out and watch Eddie with her, just because she is usually a lot of fun to be around. I hope she doesn't get all upset because I have a family to go home to. She might say I'm no fun!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

We are experiencing technical difficulties.....

I have been unable to blog since last week - and I am feeling it! I had to have my computer replaced at work, and I lost all sorts of information, like how to log into blogger. Yeah, my blog name is what it is for a very good reason!

I was so busy trying to get my regular payroll and HR programs up and running again, I didn't have any time to play on the internet. I know! Heaven forbid I should work on my blog at home!

Catch you later!

P.S. - Did you know that spell check on Blogger does not recognize the word "blog" or "blogger"?