Borderline Retarded

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

"I'm making tapioca for you Daddy, and I'm all alone"

There were a few fun things that happened before all the baby hulabaloo that I never got a chance to write about.

For my 30th birthday, my husband and some friends took me out to Yoshi's Jazz House in Jack London Square in Oakland to see the fabulous Taj Mahal. Yoshi's is a Japanese restaurant with a Jaxx club attached. The plan was to eat dinner at Ypshi's then watch the show. Oddly though, they only had seating for 4, and we were a party of five. So, we went to Tony Roma's for ribs and onion loaf instead. It was fun watching everyone order these fabulous alcoholic beverages and get just a touch rowdy!

The show was excellent, the only sour note being the incredibly inconsiderate gentleman sitting at the table next to me who kept rocking his chair backwards and bumping into me constantly. At one point, he reached his arm around his date and actually had his arm resting in my lap. Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was almost as much fun trying to make our way back home. We drove past the same dilapidated Motel about three times totally randomly before we finally made it out.

On my actual birthday, I picked up a Christmas tree and some final baby items. I also picked up a fabulous Peanut Butter Cup ice cream pie from Safeway that was very yummy! Not the Baskin Robbins ice cream cake I usually go for, but not too shabby. I scored some cash as well, I haven't really decided what to get yet.

Being 30 feels just like being 29, which felt just the same as 25, or 21 for that matter!

New baby is doing well. He is back up to his birth weight of 8 pounds, 12 oz. We did finally decide on a name - sorry Jerk, if you'd only gotten to me 10 minutes earlier!! He and I have been hanging out all week. He is the best baby ever. He even had his eyes open for an entire half hour today.

As for Mommy - I'm afraid I'm a bit worse for wear. I can't seem to remember the name for anything. I call everything "that thing" or "that thingy" or "the stuff that goes with that thing". I am trying to catch myself up to at least Homer Simpson level of intelligence! My poor husband must be sooooo excited to be married to Ruprecht. I believe he is busy corking the forks for me as we speak.......

Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Gigantic Baby Has Arrived........

And he ended up not being so very gigantic!

Two weeks ago today, I went to my weekly doctor's appointment at Kaiser. My doctor was not at all pleased with my blood pressure. He said to me "I think it's time we got this baby out". I said, "OK - when were you thinking?" He says "How about right now."

So, I waited until the histeria died down just a tad, then called my husband. I think I actually asked him if he was sitting down......... he wasn't, but I told him anyway! I picked up my son from day care, and luckily my younger sister was already at the house by the time we got there. I gathered a few things together, found the infant car seat, and hunkered down next to my son while he was eating dinner to explain to him what was going on. He was mostly interested in eating, so we left without too much fuss.

We arrived at Labor and Delivery at about 6:30 pm. They told us we should go eat some dinner in the cafeteria while the room was being cleaned. I ordered vegetarian lasagne, but I couldn't eat anything. I was too nervous.

At about 9 or 10:00, the doctor began inducing labor. I had a Pitocin drip in my IV, and something called a foley inserted into my cervix. They blow that up with air, and it manually opens your cervix to 4 centimeters. I sent my husband and all the other family members home for a good night's sleep.

At midnight - the nurse checked on the foley by tugging on it to make sure it was snug. It popped out when she did that. I was mortified - and in my head said "Dear God please don't tell me they have to insert that thing again!". But the nurse said it meant that ym cervix was at 4 centimeters. I was amazed that it had only taken two hours, and was deciding if I should call my husband back to the hospital. I decided to wait a bit, and see if anything "exciting" happened.

The only "exciting" things that happened over the next 29 hours were a parade of doctors and nurses who apparently took some kind of sadistic thrill in causing me pain. I still don't know how I managed to not kick someone right in the face while they examined me for the hundreth time to tell me I was still only dialated to 4 centimeters. My bag of waters was broken, which did not strengthen the contractions like they thought.

I was apparently given enough Pitocin to kill an elephant - but the baby refused to drop. After the blessed deliverence of the Epidural, the doctor did a very thorough exam and said that when she touched the baby's head, it swam away from her fingers. This was at about 1:00 am Saturday morning. She recommended a C-section, and at this point I had to agree with her. She said she would be willing to let me labor for another 2 hours, but I wasn't interested in that. The baby's heart rate was dropping with every contraction at this point.

I have never had surgery in my life, and I was scared shitless that I was going to have a C-section. Everyone has commented since then that they were worried about me because I grew so quiet. There was just nothing to say. I was trying so hard to keep my composure while stemming the flood of feelings and fears that were threatening to drown me. My biggest fear was that the anesthesia wasn't going to work properly, and also that I would become physically ill. I was wheeled into the operating room, where I lost my composure for a few minutes. The doctor was wonderful. SHe held my hand, and looked me right in the eye, and didn't let go until I had calmed down. After that, I was totally fine.

I didn't recognize my husband when he sat down next to me, I assumed he was one of the other doctors or nurses in the room. He said "hey", and I was so glad he was there. I held on to his hand for dear life. I thought it was amuzing that at one of the rogher stretches of the surgery, where they were tugging my body to pieces, he kept saying "squeeze my hand". I thought I had already broken his fingers!

I think it took about 15 minutes before the babhy was born. He started crying right away, and they announced he was a boy. My husband said "We really need to pick out a name now!" I think my next comment was that I was outnumbered.

They took the baby to the other side of the room, and after a few minutes my husband got to be with him. I couldn't see him because of all the machinery in the way. It took a while for them to put me all back together, but my husband got to bring the baby over before they took him to the recovery room. He was just beautiful. I was anxious to know what color hair he had - I didn't take off his cap, but could see little brown curls on the side of his head.

By the time they brought me to the recovery room, it was about 3:00 am. My older sister and two of my sister in laws were still there. They waited until I was wheeled in, then went home to get some sleep.

My husband and I were both fighting to keep our eyes open at this point. I made my poor husband stay until I was taken to my room, at about 6:00 am. My new baby and I slept together for a couple of hours, but I didn't sleep very well until I came home on Monday. That's OK though - when all you have to concentrate on is feeding a baby every two hours, you don't need much sleep!

We are all adjusting very well. Old Baby seems to love New Baby, and New Baby is just as mellow as can be.

Until later................

Thursday, December 01, 2005

My GIGANTIC Baby........

I have been so busy over the past two weeks - it has been a while since I wrote a post.

On Saturday the 19th, my husband and I went to Kaiser for a tour of the labor and delivery department. We have never been Kaiser members before, so I was glad to get a look at the the place. They tricked us though, and threw in an hour long class on the signs and stages of labor. I almost didn't make it through without drooling on myself. The instructor was very nice - but a little bit dry. And she spoke in this very quiet, breathy voice. At one point, she was talking about "kick counts" and how to properly keep track of them. She was saying how some women didn't slow down long enough to pay attention to their baby's movements. She actually said that a woman probably wouldn't keep track because she was so busy washing the dishes and watching soap operas. Washing dishes and watching soap operas? I was instantly transported back to 1950 and imagined myself pregnant and wearing a gigantic smock, high heels and a pearl necklace and going to the beauty parlor every 3 days to get my hair "done". I looked at my husband expecting him to have noticed how stupid I thought that comment was, but he also was fighting the drool battle.

Thanksgiving was very nice. We went to my in-laws for dinner, and it was delicious. We didn't even have to bring anything, but my hubby whipped up a batch of deviled eggs. All in all a wonderful evening.

On Friday, I cleaned the bathroom. Spotless. A thing of beauty. For about 5 minutes!! I was very proud of myself and didn't really do much other housework the rest of the weekend.

On Sunday, I got to open an early birthday present. My husband bought me a Dyson vacuum cleaner. He even vacuumed for me! I haven't tried it yet, but he was very pleased with it. I have been going on and on about these vacuum cleaners for so long. So, thank you for the birthday gift honey - I love it!

We also attempted to give the boy a haircut. It did not quite go as planned. After he started crying hard enough to vomit on himself, we pretty much decided his hair was as short as it needed to be! It gets more difficult as he gets older to cut his hair. When he was a little guy, all you had to do was plop in a Baby Einstein and he was good. I don't know what to do about it.

On Monday, I started training my replacement for payroll. Thank God for Maria - she is wonderful to step in and help out while I'm on maternity leave. I am especially glad that she agreed to do it because I trust her so much. She and I have worked wonderfully together the past year as she trained me how to figure the Federal Excise Taxes. By the end of Wednesday though - I could tell her brain had reached saturation point! Luckily, she will feel comfortable calling me with any problems, and our payroll service is the absolute best.

Ok - here we go - BABY UPDATE!! BABY UPDATE!!

I saw my doctor on Monday. He did an ultrasound and ran a few measurements. My kid weighs 7 pounds, 7 oz.

7 pounds, 7 oz.


I still have just over 4 weeks to my due date.

That means this baby could weigh 12 pounds by December 30th.

Holy cow.

A planned c-section could be in my future if this kid gets much bigger. My doctor and I talked very seriously about it, and it is so difficult to draw a "line" so to speak, of how big should the baby be before I decide not to try and give birth the old fashioned way. My first baby was 9 1/2 pounds - and I don't remember having very much difficulty giving birth to him. I am confident saying that if this baby weighs 10 1/2 pounds, I'm going to give it the old college try. If the baby weighs more than that, I will ask my doctor to try and get some very precise measurements of the baby's head, shoulders and my birth canal to see if it would be possible. A large portion of me wants desperately to believe that Mother Nature would not give me a baby that would be too big for me to give birth to. All I can say is God bless modern medicine! Where would I be 100 years ago? Up shit creek without a paddle is where I'd be. It would be me drinking shots of whiskey and getting tied down to the kitchen table to birth this behemoth of a child!

I will try and not stress out too much, mostly because this baby has to born, bottom line, one way or another. I'm going to pray for a healthy baby, and leave it at that.