Suck it Trebec!

90 days!

90 DAYS TO GO!!! 90 days until my little bundle of joy arrives. I am so excited! That elephant is moving along at a very nice pace! (I mean the elephant on the pregnancy meter at the top of the page, not this elephant!)

I've been thinkin'......

........which is usually a bad sign.

My friend Maria and I were talking the other day about "chipping" our pets. One of our cats has a chip in it, the others do not. I don't know what the bonus would be, as I would think most people don't turn a cat into the shelter, they just bang pots and pans at it until it leaves the yard.

Somehow, this conversation led Maria to say "They can put a chip in your kid to track him." After staring blankly at each other for about 5 minutes, I said, "Can they really do that?" She says they can and do! I have never heard of such a thing. She says if she had been chipped when she was a kid, she would have it removed when she turned 18. I'm thinking - why? Because I don't want "The Man" to know how many times I go into Baskin Robbins? Doesn't "The Man" already know that anyway?

I then started to really think about it. We can locate our vehicles if they are stolen via sattelite, but if our kid gets yanked while we're at the grocery store, or sleeping in our beds, it's hasta la vista? What the hell is wrong with this picture? If they can "chip" my kid - do it now!! It's not like I'm going to be tapping into the sattelite to follow my precious little man when he's on his first date or out with his friends - How many thousands of kids go missing every year? Am I wrong in thinking this would be a great idea?

I'm so excited!

Amy over at Amalah.com is in the hospital having her baby. I am so excited for her! It's funny to have these close, personal feelings for someone I've never met. I have said my Hail Mary's, and I am hopeful that the baby is already here. She posted at 12:52 a.m. Eastern Time. I can't wait to hear the news!

Happy Anniversary!

A day late, I know. But, Happy Anniversary my love! Three years of wedded bliss. I've been saying that at the office since yesterday whenever anyone asks about my GORGEOUS dozen red roses sitting on my desk. I've also been told that there is barely any sarcasm in my voice at all when I say it!

Dinner was lovely last night - I'm glad the boy behaved himself. All around a lovely evening. Here's to 100 more anniversaries just like it!!

It's been busy!

I had a great weekend.

On Saturday, my sister Wendy drove in, and we went to an Oakland A's game. My company provided tickets and a BBQ tailgate party beforehand. It was great! The weather was perfect. The A's played the Texas Rangers. It ended up being an exciting game too. Everything happened in the eight inning, and the A's pulled out a win. It has been years since I went to a ball game.

We ran into my cousin Nora and her husband at the game. It was great to see them, and how random!! We got invited to the annual Red Dress party. I went to one red dress party a couple of years ago. Nora says she has a great picture of me from that party, I'll have to see if she has a copy or if I can borrow it to post. Basically, a Red Dress party means everyone, including the men, MUST be wearing a red dress. Otherwise, they don't get in to the party. They even have spares if someone can't find a dress. It is almost like a lab experiment watching men stand around smoking, drinking beer and talking about work, or sports, or tools while wearing a flmaing red dress! They completely forget they are wearing the dresses, but they will sub-conciously rub their nipples, or their legs if they have on panty hose. Most don't wear the high heels, but one poor soul did this year. Even my cousin Wade was dressed up. He is about 6' 3", probably 350 lbs, bald, ex Navy. Scary. I took a bunch of great pictures, I will post them as soon as I finish the roll. Yes, I used an old fashioned camera that requires film.

Sunday morning, I took my son to my parent's house. We had breakfast with them and my two sisters. We checked out a local bakery that specializes in German pastries. Yummy!! The rest of the morning we planned my baby shower. We are going to have a Halloween themed baby shower - prizes for best costume and all! Halloween is my favorite holiday - this should be fun!

Tagged!

Hey, my first tag!! Ok, here's the deal:

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.


"Has the feeling returned to your arm yet?"

I tag: KOM, JOAT, Kaci, Porter SR and Lola

Hmmmmmmm.

R took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs to feel identified with someone or something..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I don't think this could be more wrong!! Actually, I agreed with 2 things - the wanting to be amiable with people and romantic stuff seems about right. I might need to try this one again!

Check out the one Jerk of All Trades took - that one seemed scary accurate.

How "Gauche"

Like being left handed wasn't weird enough already, a recent study shows a possible connection between left handedness and breast cancer.

Oy.

Give till it hurts.....

Squishi's recent entry about donating blood made me remember a story from High School.

We had a blood drive at school a couple of times a year. They would turn the cafeteria into a temporary blood letting auditorium. My girlfriends and I all decided to donate. It was the first time for all of us, and we were sitting around staring at this mile long form they have you fill out. It is filled with questions like - have you had sex for money or drugs since 1975, or - have you traveled out of the country in the last three years, have you ever had this or that disease or problem.....etc. Some of these questions seemed rather difficult to answer at the time, and we sat around straining our eyes at the paperwork with our tongues sticking out in concentration. I had finished filling mine out, and was waiting for everyone else. My friend Kristen comes up to me and says, "I don't know the answer to this one. What should I do?" I look at the question she is having a hard time with. It says "Have you had sex with a man who has had sex with another man...?" I roll my eyes at her, and say, "how come you can't answer that one?" She says "I'm not sure!" I'm thinking, why are you being so dense!! I say, "Let's look at just the first part of the question - Have you ever had sex?" I'm wondering why this is so confusing with her, because we, none of us girls, have had sex! She looks at me with wide eyes, and with her lips pressed tight together says, "Yes!". I was like, "Oh! Oh..... um....oh!! And then we both started laughing hysterically. She had only had two boyfriends, and had broken up with the second one a few weeks before. I didn't know she had actually "done it"! What a way to find out!! She had told her very best friend, Aimee, but she hadn't told anyone else. I guess she didn't feel comfortable asking her ex-boyfriend if he, well, enjoyed "the sausage".

I still laugh every time I think about that story!!

Funny Pregnancy Story

I Had dinner with my friend Keri last night. She and I used to work together, but she moved on about a month ago. She had the funniest story about a girlfriend of hers who is pregnant:

According to Keri, Tracy and her husband have an active sex life - at least 3 times a week!! They are totally hard core. (just kidding.) She got pregnant, and I guess they didn't have sex for a while. Her husband was worried about miscarriage, she had lost a baby at about 2 months along last year. Finally, she told him they were GOING to have sex, she needed sex!! Well, while they're doing it, she goes into labor. Her husband freaks out completely. They go to the hospital, and Tracy, who is a nurse, is trying to tell him that it wasn't him that did it. The doctor backs her up. Needless to say, he refuses to have sex again for about two months. Finally, they have sex again, and she goes into labor again. Her husband says "That's it, I'm never touching you again!" Nothing Tracy or the doctor can say will change his mind. About two weeks later, she goes into labor again, having nothing whatsoever to do with her husband!! He finally realised that these things happen, but he has turned into ultra protective man.

She is 7 months along now, and the doctor told her to stop working. She isn't on bed rest, but was told to take it kind of easy the next few months. That being said, her house is so spotless you could eat off of any surface at any given time. She is bored to tears, and mentioned to her husband that she wants to go to Michael's craft store, and take a couple of classes. He said, "no." Just flat out, no. He told her "didn't the doctor say you need to stay at home? What happens if you go into labor?". Of course she replied that she would get in the car, and drive to the hospital. Right? He wouldn't hear any of it. She can go to her friend's house, because I guess he trusts them to take care of her, unlike the heartless vagabonds that work at Michael's.

Keri was hanging out at a friend's house with a bunch of other girls, and Tracy was there. Her husband was actually standing right in front of her, keeping himself in between his wife and everyone els. Keri asked him what he was doing. He said he wanted to make sure no one backed up into her!! Tracy rolled her eyes and said she would go sit down, so no one would back into her!

Tracy's husband is an independent contractor for DHL, so he calls her just about every hour or more to chekc in on her. One day she finally got fed up and turned off the phone. She heard his truck screeching into the driveway, and he came running into the house yelling for her. He found her in the bathtub, and said "Why didn't you text me that you were going to be in the bathtub?" Tracy at this point is starting to feel a bit edgy. So, she started text messaging him with "gotta pee", " doing a load or laundry", "just sneezed" and so on and so forth.

On the one hand, Tracy is about to kill her husband, on the other hand, she says it's a nice distraction from the actual pregnancy, and he worries more than enough for the both of them!!

I guess it's a fine line between caring too much, and not at all! Where is the middle ground? It's like in the movie "Parenthood", when Steve Martin and his wife are meeting with the school principle regarding their oldest son. The kid is high strung and tense, and freaks out easily. The wife says, "It's because he was first. We overreacted over every little thing when he was little. By the third kid, you let them juggle knives".

Hopefully if Tracy and her husband have any more kids, he will not be up her ass all day long!

The "magical" birth experience....

I've been thinking a lot lately (Gee, I wonder why?) about my last labor and delivery. I am thinking it would be helpful for me to write it down to organize my thoughts and concentrate on my upcoming labor and delivery.

My pregnancy was not the best, I guess you could say. My morning sickness never went away. I was sick constantly. I had no energy, I had no "nesting" urges, I couldn't even walk half a block without throwing up. I also had high blood sugar I couldn't control through diet, so I had to give myself Insulin shots every night, as well as check my blood sugar three times a day. To top it off, my mom decided it was a good time to tell me that my dad had been cheating on her with a waitress, who turned out to be a stripper, and she was going to leave him. I don't think any of that was true, and she hasn't left him at all, and never talks about it anymore (thank GOD!).

The final two months of my pregnancy were the most stressful, nerve racking days I have ever had in my entire life. I think it was the prospect of labor and delivery that had me so scared. There was no way to get out of it, and there is nothing on Earth you can reference the process too as a comparison. I was also feeling extremely clingy to my husband, but I was trying not to push myself on him a the same time. He seemed to withdraw from me, and a week would go by without a hug or a kiss, and it was very difficult for me. I think he was just as scared as I was, more so, because he was so worried about what might happen to me. I think also he was in "awe" for lack of a better word, of the process my body was going through. It was difficult for me at times not to think that having a baby was the worst mistake I had ever made, that I had irreversibly changed the way my husband saw me. But, there was no going back. I just hoped that my husband didn't find me completely repulsive after watching me give birth. At the same time, I felt closer to him than I had ever felt before, having his child growing inside me was more intimate than I could have imagined.

I went to all of the classes the hospital offered. The most helpful one was the child seat safety class. I had no idea how friggin complicated those car seats really were. The other classes I could do without. I enjoyed Lamaze, but I don't think my husband did. It didn't help that the teacher was someone who had taught an earlier nutrition class that we both thought sucked. At the end of every class, the teacher would have you write comments down, and I think KOM ran out of room on two sides of paper about the deficiencies of the class.

Anyhow..... My due date was August 23rd. On about the 20th, I was laying in bed when I felt a warm gush come out of me. I looked at the sheets. It was a small amount of fluid, but it didn't smell like urine. I was certain that my water broke. I called the Dr.'s office. They told me I should check into the hospital. My heart was pounding so hard I could barely hear what the nurse was saying. I called my husband, who had just gotten into work maybe ten minutes earlier. He turned around and drove the half hour right back into town, and we headed to the hospital. I had called my mom, and my sisters. I told my mom not to drive in until we learned more.

After maybe 3 hours or so, the doctor came in and used a paper strip to test for amniotic fluid. Nothin. She said I had probably just peed, and checked my cervix. Still closed tight. I was so embarrassed! She did tell me that we would definitely induce if I went passed my due date, and we made arrangements to check in Monday morning to induce. I was mortified as we walked out of labor and delivery back out to the car. We actually saw a couple from our Lamaze class in the parking lot leaving with their baby. When we got home I cried and cried.

I'm surprised I slept at all on Sunday night. I woke up early, and was so nervous. We had to be at the hospital at 7:00. We got there right on time. It was apparently very busy in delivery, because they didn't have an actual room for me. I was set up in an operating room. I didn't care, except for the fact there was NO BATHROOM. I had to walk down the hallway and use the doctor's bathroom. At 9:00, the doctor came in and induced labor by cramming this teeny tiny little shard of a pill up onto my cervix. It started working within 15 minutes.

It seemed like every time they had a room ready, some other woman would be ushered into it because she had a baby hanging out or something. The nerve! It was quite a few hours later before they moved me into a regular room. Luckily it was a big room, to accommodate all 15 relatives I had in there with me! I was so happy to be surrounded by so much love and caring. I don't know what I would have done without them. Most people I think would rather have as few people as possible around them. But, I was happy!

I had just finished dinner and was sitting on the edge of the bed, when I decided I needed to use the bathroom. For some reason, I didn't want to stand up. I didn't know why, I just felt like I wanted to get up quietly without anybody noticing. I stood up, said "Oh geez!" and leaned over and gripped the dinner tray as about 3,000 gallons of water came flooding out of me. Everybody just stopped mid word, and stared at me. I started laughing, and realized that I would NEVER say "I think my water broke" ever again! My sisters went to get the nurse, and I went to the restroom. When I came back, the nurse was starting to sop up all the water. I did see the little paper strip floating on top had turned bright blue - meaning amniotic fluid. I suppose a person could pee that much, but it's doubtful!

My contractions were fairly mild for about 12 hours. By 10:00 pm, I was ready for some help. They gave me an injection in my IV of something like Tylenol with Codeine. It didn't work too well, I was ready for more before the 15 minutes had gone by. By 1:00, I was ready for the epidural. Luckily, this hospital has an anesthesiologist on staff just for the maternity ward, available 24 hours. The doctor came in, and I would say she was done putting in the epidural in 10 minutes. It was a very strange sensation as she injected the flexible tube under my skin. I felt it in all my nerves in my back at the same time. The medicine worked instantly too. I didn't feel the very next contraction that came along. I would have been able to sleep, except they had to put an arm cuff on me, and my blood pressure was taken automatically every 15 minutes. But, I did at least get some rest, as well as everyone else in the room. I think sometime after that, I started to feel my contractions again, but nothing too major. My sweet husband got up from the chair to hold my hand, and rub my arm every time I made the slightest peep.

At about 7:00 am, everybody left to get some breakfast. I noticed too that my contractions suddenly got more intense. The nurse told me that the baby's heart beat had started to dip during contractions, so they upped my pitocin, which makes the contractions harder. I definitely started to feel a lot of pressure in my groin, which they said would mean the baby had moved into the birth canal. I was very excited as I started to have the urge to push. They had me push a couple of times, and thanks to the Epidural, they could check me with their hands while I was pushing to see how I was progressing. They said my baby would be born probably within the next 1 to 3 hours after I started pushing. This was it!! I couldn't wait for everyone to get back from breakfast. Luckily, my mother and father in law showed up just after I started pushing, so they got to see their 8th grandchild be born. My father in law had not seen any of his other daughters give birth, so I felt extra special because he was there. He stayed in the corner out of the way, praying. I do remember my first thought with the first push - it was "how did Grandma do this six times?". My second thought with the second push was , "I am NEVER doing this again!". I think it would have been funny if I had said those thoughts out loud. But, at least I amused the hell out of myself!!

I think after the first three pushes, one nurse said to the other "You did call the Dr., right?" "Yes." "You did tell him to come NOW right?" I was so glad they didn't tell me not to push, that we had to wait for the doctor. Someone would have gotten hurt if I had heard those words!!

Unfortunately, I had drunk a large amount of apple juice just before I started pushing. I was worried about my blood sugar being too low, it was only at 70. That came right back up like nobody's business!! My chin was also quivering like I was in a snow storm. The nurse said it was probably just an adrenaline rush. Then, I realized that the horrible pain I was feeling at my rectum area was not the baby, but apparently a giant BM that felt like making an appearance. So, I puked and BM'd in front of everyone I know and love. Very special. I was told the nurse was very good about wiping everything away very quickly so nobody would see. They also kept asking me to lift my butt, so they could take away the wet absorbent sheets under me and expose a clean one. I don't think I have tried to do anything more difficult than try and lift my butt off the bed while minutes away from giving birth and having an epidural. You know, they should consider handing out awards after each of these births!!

My doctor arrived with just minutes to spare. He was very calm and reassuring, which is always nice. He very calmly told me when my flesh was about to tear. I could have cared less, and with everything else going on, I didn't feel it. I had my eyes closed for most of the hour it took to deliver my son, and I had my husband right by my side. I would just lift my hand up and he would grab it, he was everything I needed. He was the only thing I opened my eyes to look at. I remember not quite knowing if the baby's head had appeared yet, but thought that it had. I asked if we could see hair, and everyone kind of chuckled. I thought, Good God, the baby must be out by now, right? I kept thinking if the doctor said "just one more push" one more time, I was going to kick him in the head.

Finally, head and shoulders were out, and I just needed one little push to get the baby all the way out. He was born at 9:30 am on Tuesday morning. The doctor layed him right on my tummy. I remember marveling at how warm he was, and so soft. The nurse made sure my hand was on him. I could only cry and say "baby, baby, baby". The doctor looked at my husband and said "well, what sex is the baby?" I looked at my husband and it seemed like an eternity before he answered. I'm not even sure he did answer!! They swaddled him up, and let me hold him. He was an absolute dream. He was just beautiful, a big beautiful 9 1/2 pund boy. His head was perfect - not pointy or anything!! His little face was perfect. They took him while I was getting stitched up. I never did ask how many stitches, but the doctor was down there for a while!!

They kicked everyone out of the room, and my husband and I got to gawk at our newest little family member. I was so happy, and also so worried! What the hell did I know about taking care of a baby!! It was going to be very interesting from that point forward. My husband held the baby while I pigged out on breakfast. They had kept me on a liquids only diet for the past 24 hours, and I was starving. Starving and tired!!

Something happened too after I gave birth. Suddenly, my husband thought I was the sexiest creature on Earth, and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Words don't do justice to how amazed I was that after all of that, he still thought I was beautiful and wanted me. I had to slap him a couple of times though - he didn't quite seem to get the fact that I had STITCHES down there - don't touch! We tasted my milk, which was the sweetest thing I have ever tasted in my life. I hope every new parent does that too.

I am so much more at ease this time around. I am generally a very calm person, but giving birth turns women into something they've never been before! Maybe this time I will swear like a sailor and throw things around the room. You never know!

It's Monday.....

Well, I don't have much of anything to report. My weekend was very quiet. Although Saturday was a bit busy. I met my friend Maria in Napa with my son, and we looked at fabric. She has an old rocking chair she is going to re-finish for me as a baby gift. She is so cool! Afterwards the boy and I went to my friend Aimee's for a birthday party for her 7 year old twins. I can't believe they are 7 already!! They are getting so grown up. I thought it was pretty funny to watch a bunch of 7 year olds blindfolded and smacking a pinata with a giant stick. You can bet I kept my distance on that one!! She had rented a big bouncy house, which my son just loved. He would have stayed in there all day if he could. That evening, I went to my folks house in Vacaville to have dinner with them and my sister and her husband, and a couple of their friends.

On Sunday, we didn't do a darned thing but read, watch TV and nap. I watched "Monster" on Saturday night, and "The Terminal" on Sunday afternoon. I had weird dreams both Saturday night and last night.

I had another severe bout of morning sickness this morning, but I'm feeling much better now. Maria and Stacey took me out to a greasy spoon for a late breakfast. Nothing makes you feel better than gigantic hotcakes and bacon. Sometimes, I eat whatever made me feel better with a hangover when I have morning sickness, and it works out OK. Ususally a big greasy cheeseburger and fries does the trick. I'm trying to get this whole morning sickness thing all worked out, and find out what it is, if anything, I'm doing to make it worse. Well, if I can hang for another 3 1/2 months, I won't have to worry about it any more!!

You were saying???

So, let me just say right now that my last blog entry - nothing but a pile of horse shit.

Pregnancy is not beautiful, or fun. It is messy. It is hard.

Lest you think it's just the hormones talking, let me give you proof......

Yesterday, I was driving along, minding my own business. I was just about to turn into the parking lot at the daycare to pick up my son, when apparently, I decided it would be great fun to puke. I puked in my mouth, and thought, "Dear God, maybe I can make it until I can pull over...". Um, apparently that was not to be. I just kept on puking, and puking and puking. Somehow, I managed to actually pull into the parking lot without hitting any vehicles, buildings, people etc. I stumbled out of the car, puking, over to the bushes, puking. Afterwards, I remembered the scene from "Stand by Me" when the fat kid made himself puke, and made everyone else at the fair puke. By the time I finally stopped, the entire front of me was COVERED in vomit. I started to laugh in that hysterical kind of way. I managed to grab my purse and pull out the two remaining baby wipes to try and at least clean my face and hands. Then, I found my cell phone and called home. Thank God my husband was home and had the good sense to actually answer the phone. I can't even imagine what he must have been thinking.

I looked around at the carnage I had wrought. By some miracle, I had managed to catch all of the vomit on myself, and not get any in the car. Except for the steering wheel, that was a different story. I leaned on the front of the car, trying to remain calm and waited for my savior to arrive with clean clothes. That's when the crying started. I didn't last long though. I was just feeling such a mixture of embarrasment, and sadness I didn't know what I was feeling. I think I scared the crap out of a couple of young Mormon gentleman who happened by on their bicycles. One smiled and said a cheery "Hi!". Then, he actually got a look at me. I think he almost fell off his bike. To their credit, they did stop and discuss between themselves whether or not I needed assistance before pedaling on. I think I heard "possessed" before they took off.

My husband arrived very quickly, and I followed him into the day care center. I just wanted to disappear. He went in first and asked if there was a restroom I could use. Luckily, it was right in the front office. I went in, stripped, and tried to clean myself up. Luckily he had thought to bring a nice big bath towel. To top it off, he picked out a cute outfit too. He really is the best!

I tried to hurry, and was able to make myself presentable before heading back out into the world. My husband and son were waiting for me, and we trekked home. I jumped in the shower, brushed my teeth and gargled for about half an hour before I finally started to feel OK again.

It makes me wonder what is around the bend that I haven't even thought of. It makes me wonder too, what if I didn't have a cell phone? Well, from now on I will keep a change of clothes in the car at all times.

I guess I can't really say that pregnancy is all bad. I can't let that experience taint my good humor. It's not the first time I've puked in the car, probably won't be the last. These things happen to keep you humble, and to make sure you appreciate when things do go smoothly!

Baby Update......

I saw the Doc again yesterday. Everything is looking great. He is very happy with our progress. He checked again to determine the sex of the baby, and it looks like a girl. I don't want to trust the ultrasound completely though. It would be terrible to have your mind totally set on one, and have the other!! Besides, the doctor looks at what looks to me is a TV station that went off the air and says "Yep, right there!! This is a girl. See that?". What am I supposed to say? I just smile and nod.

I also had to do the glucose test. The flavored beverage they have you drink really is awful. My doc said they have different flavors now, like cola and lemon lime. Does he want me to throw up? The orange is bad enough. I don't want to have to imagine what the other ones taste like!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my blood sugar is OK. I didn't have that luck last time, I eventually had to give myself insulin shots every night. Not fun. Giving yourself a shot is the absolute hardest thing to do. It might be different if I could give myself the shot in the arm, or the leg, or even my butt. But no, the shot had to go right into my abdomen. That sucked!! I would take half an hour at least trying to psych myself to do the shot. I think the biggest problem was that to give the shot correctly, I had to pinch the skin together, so I couldn't just blindly stick it in, I had to look. My husband did it for me one night when I just couldn't do it. I remember him putting the needle in sooooo slowly. I remember yelling at him "Do it faster, asshole!" or something like that. I think I traumatized him rather badly. I finally had to tell myself, if I can't manage this, I'm not going to go through labor very well. I remember having to say that a LOT towards the end of my pregnancy.

The baby is measuring about a week and a half further along than we had figured, but I think I might just make big babies. Our son was 9 1/2 pounds. My doc said "at birth?" I said, no at 3 months, duh!! He acts like I performed a miracle or something. I think he and his nurse are just trying to make me feel good. They probably roll their eyes and make rude gestures with their hands as soon as I turn around.

I have not had any involuntary loss of bladder control, except during the occasional sneeze! I think I've hit the sweet spot of preganancy, when I'm feeling pretty darn good, and looking pretty darn sexy. Well, I think so anyway!!

Looking more like a real person.....

Good looking kid.

I was having kind of a bad day.....

but for some reason, seeing this cheered me up.....

Creepy.

Now we're talkin'

Here are the latest Google searches that led to my Blog:

unisom "morning sickness" (see, I'm helping!!)

gag puke

fart knocker ( does someone think that's a real thing? Maybe in the Lillian Vernon catalog...)


The last two are a little bit different:

how to get him to leave his wife

men who pick parents over wife



I think Google is sending some really pissed off ladies my direction!

Do you ever.....

.....have those times when you remember events from your young life? They spring unbidden into your mind in the middle of the night, and you can't get them to go away? I've decided that it's a good thing to never forget these things, that it's healthy to pull the thoughts and feelings off the shelf and dust them off every now and again. Especially now that I have a child. I know I can never save him from disappointment, and hurt, and anger. But, I do want to remember those things that happened that crushed me as a child and were because of what my parents said or did. Because I want my son to know why I make the decisions I do. I don't want to make decisions that will hurt my child for the rest of his life and tell him, "I'm the mom, that's why". Sometimes that just doesn't cut it.

I look back at some of these instances in my life, when such small things could bring your world tumbling down. I remember being in a Brownie troupe. I was probably in first or second grade. We were going on a field trip to a pumpkin patch after school. My mom had given me my $2.00 for the pumpkin, and I kept it in my lunch bag. Well, being the absent minded child I was, the $2.00 got thrown away after lunch with the trash. I didn't even remember until we were gathered after school waiting for the bus. I called my dad. I remember watching for him at the edge of the field. We lived only doors away from the school, so I knew he would be walking over in a matter of minutes. When he got to me, I guess I expected him to hand over another $2.00 so I could go on my merry way. Instead, I got yelled at, in front of everybody, and he stalked off leaving me a crying mess. The thing I don't understand is why he didn't just take me home. Instead, I had to ride the bus to the pumpkin patch with all the other girls, and stand around while they picked out their pumpkins. Somebody took pity on me, probably the troop leader, and gave me $2.00 so I could get a pumpkin too. I was just elated. I happily picked out my pumpkin, and proudly showed it to my parents when I got home. I remember getting a definite "pissed" vibe from my dad, but he didn't say anything, so I figured everything was cool. I was 7 years old, and not very wise in the ways of the world.

My sisters and I carved the hell out of our pumpkins. We kept them under the kitchen counter until Halloween, and I must have checked on it every 5 minutes. Halloween came around, and we all three ran to get our pumpkins and display them on the porch. My pumpkin, however, was nowhere to be found. I remember running to my mom, and asking her if she'd seen it. I can't even remember what she might have said, but it never occurred to me that my father had thrown it out. Of course, that is what happened. I knew it somewhere, but it was such a horrible idea, I felt guilty thinking it. I'm not going to argue whether any of this was right or wrong. All I know is it broke a little girl's heart, and not for the last time.

When I think about the birthday parties that got canceled, the yelling, the grounding, being left behind at the house when you couldn't get ready fast enough, the hitting, I would think my sisters and I were the worst three monsters ever spawned on this Earth. What I have come to understand in my wise old age is that my parents were miserable. They hated each other, They still hate each other.

My mother resents every one of us for being born, she resents the things she didn't have growing up, she resents every decision she has made for herself since 1968. She was the oldest of 6 children, and by the time I was in high school, she was so sick of being in charge, of being responsible. She couldn't keep track of everybody. Any activity we kids wanted to do had to be written in the calendar, otherwise we wouldn't be able to go. What she neglected to tell us for long time was that we had to write this stuff down, just asking her permission and telling her the details wasn't good enough. I can't tell you what it is like looking forward to your best friend's birthday / slumber party, then not being able to go because mom says it wasn't on the calendar.

I remember the day I understood my mother the least out of any other time in my life. My older sister and I were a volatile pair. She could not stand the sight of me, and would hit me every chance she could get. I hated when my parents left the house, leaving her in charge, because I knew something bad was going to happen. It did every time, for years and years.

In 7th and 8th grade, I played basketball. On Wednesdays, my mom would pick me up after practice, and we would drive to church and pick up my younger sister and two other kids from catechism class. Every Wednesday we did this. After my sister got her driver's license, my mom thought it would be a good idea for her to pick us all up instead. I was waiting outside the gym when the car pulled up, and I wasn't exactly thrilled to see my sister in the driver's seat. I hopped into the front seat. The first thing she says to me is "when we get to church, you have to sit in the back." So, I know she was just being bossy and controlling, but at some level, I decided I couldn't roll over. I told her I should sit in front because the three kids always hop into the back. Why don't we just do it like we always do it. Well, I awoke the she-devil, and the she-devil commenced pummeling me. She was actually driving down the street at this point, and I vividly remember the look on the guy's face walking down the street when I snapped, and punched my sister right across the jaw, knocking her glasses off. I immediately got out of the car, and started walking down the street in the opposite direction. I was about to cross a driveway, when my sister came barreling up the driveway, missing me by inches. I thought she was a crazy bitch, and there was no way I was going to get back in the car with her. I started to go around her, but she threw the car in reverse, and hit the gas. I went the other way, and she put the car in drive and hit the gas. So, I used a classic basketball move, and made her think I was going right, and as soon as she put it in reverse, I ran in front of the car. I still don' t know how I managed to come out of that one without any broken bones. She drove alongside me until the corner, yelling at me the whole way, but I couldn't even talk I was so furious. Finally, she sped off.

One of my teammates was named Star. She was walking along, and asked if I was OK. I told her, No. I walked with her for a couple of blocks, and she told me I could use the phone at the nursing home where she volunteered. I called my mom, and told her everything that happened. She told me to start walking home, and when my sister got back with the car, she would come and get me. So, I started walking. And walking. And walking. I was in my tank top and shorts, it was dark outside, and I had been practicing hard for three hours. I was shivering so bad, and getting more upset with every step I took. I wondered where my mother was. Well, when I turned the corner and could see my house, I got an answer to that question. She was at home. She never left to come and get me. I think it's about 6 miles from school to home, so it wasn't a big deal. I walked home after school every day instead of riding the school bus. I don't remember feeling anything by the time I made it home. I just walked in the door and waited. Nobody seemed to notice I was home. I went to my room and just sat there on my bed. My mom finally came in, and told me she had talked to my sister, and had told her that something like this had better not happen again. I didn't leave my room the rest of the night. The only thing going through my brain was a crazed fear that now my sister was going to slit my throat in my sleep. I truly believed that she wanted me dead, and my parents didn't do anything to help me.

Luckily, I talked to my best friend about it. We had a counseling program at school, and my friend "anonymously" put my name in the box to speak to a counselor. I didn't know what else to do. The hardest part about that was having to take the permission slip home for my parents to sign. I didn't know what they were going to say. I don't think I even told my dad, but asked my mom to sign it. She did, and I had some great sessions the rest of that year. I do remember thinking how odd it was that I was the only one seeking help.

I look back on these things and it doesn't surprise me that I had thoughts about death from such an early age. I wondered why I was ever born. I wondered what my purpose on the Earth was. I used to watch the squirrels chasing each other in the backyard, and think, why wasn't I born as a squirrel? Or as some other creature that didn't have these kinds of hurt feelings all the time. I remember watching public service announcements, never really thinking much of them, until the one about child abuse came around. I never thought of myself as an abused child, until the woman on the commercial was telling a child he was pathetic. That was me. I was pathetic because my mother told me I was.

My childhood was spent with me living in a daydream for most of the time. It's no wonder I had so much trouble making friends. I never did well in school, not for lack of being smart, but lack of any motivation to do a good job. I also had a difficult time doing homework at home. I never thought about talking to my teachers about that. It always just ended up with me in a parent / teacher conference and then getting yelled at and grounded at home. I always decided that I was at fault. I never understood why they couldn't just let me be.

It seems that when I was in high school, whenever I had gone out and had a good time, I came home to a shit storm that ruined everything that had been good. I went to a church function once with my CCD class. We met up at a school with dozens of other kids, and had workshops and lessons, and at the end of it all we had a big dance in the gym. It was the most fun I had in ages. I got to spend time with some really nice kids who knew nothing about me, so we all got along just great! I got home later that evening and couldn't wait to tell my parents all about it. They were in the living room, and I spent a good 15 minutes just telling them everything I did. I was so happy. My father waited until I had finished before he told me that he'd gotten my progress report in the mail that day. I was getting a D in chemistry. So I was grounded until I brought my grade up. That would have been OK, except that I then got the lecture about where was my life going. What was I going to do after high school if I couldn't get good grades? Was I going to work at Taco Bell the rest of my life? At this rate I would never get into college, and I would never make a good living. No stress for a 10th grader or anything. I immediately started crying, because that's what I did. I was very sensitive, I still am. My father hated it when I cried, and he yelled at me to stop crying and start thinking about my future. I was excused, and I ran to my bedroom and wept. My mom came in a little bit later and told me my dad was sorry to yell at me, and didn't mean to ruin my day. That was lie. He wasn't sorry. He was angry at me for not being able to take the criticism.

I was a kid that never fought back. I never rebelled, I never ran away from home, I never drank or did drugs. I just took whatever they said to me, and cried. All I could think of was the future - my future and what it would be. I always told myself that things would be better when I graduated high school, and I could move away from home. When I was on my own, that's when I could start living for me. I dreamed of the "knight in shining armor" who would rescue me, marry me and give me babies. That's what I wanted more than anything. Luckily, that's not what happened, at least not right away. I had a few years to start to figure out who I was as a person. I learned so much about myself, and somewhere along the way I gathered this strength about me. Sometimes I hear myself giving people advice, and I think, who the hell am I to be giving anyone life advice? But, a couple of times it's actually helped out. That's where I think my calling is. My reason to be on this planet is to touch the lives I know with kindness and respect, and true friendship. Everyone deserves that now and again.

My older sister told me once that I was the strongest woman she had ever known. I was so moved by that - considering the source. It was weird though, because she is my elder, it's supposed to be the other way around. I never knew how I could touch people's lives until then.

I LOVE 3 day weekends!

I Had a great weekend. I layed around and relaxed for most of it. We had a "game night" at my parents house, which consisted of my mother barely keeping it together! She seemed rather pissed off at everybody. Oh well, I can never figure her out! We played a couple of rounds of UNO, then as the group doubled in size, we switched to Screw Your Neighbor. We had a lot of fun. Luckily, my son was happy watching "Baby Einstein", and only caused a scene when he came running into the room wearing nothing but his diaper, which was hanging off his bottom. That got whipped right off - and there stood my little boy in all his frighteningly pale glory! Seriously, we had to shut our eyes to avoid the glare. My cousin said she didn't think they made people that white!

On Saturday morning, we were sitting around the living room, when we heard this terrible "CRACK" coming from the backyard. My husband and I looked at each other, as if to say, "Huh, that was probably nothing, right?" I looked out one window, didn't see anything. I got up and looked out the sliding glass doors, and saw the fence separating our backyard and the neighbor's backyard had split. It was one piece of wood that had split right down the middle. I told my husband, and sat back down. We knew all of our fences are in bad shape, and we had basically been waiting for something like this to happen. A couple of minutes later, we heard and even louder "CRACK", and this time my husband got up to check out the damage. The entire middle portion of the fence was down. We got a great look into our neighbor's backyard. We don't think the homeowners even live there all year long. They have a metal bar locking their sliding glass door. They also have a pool - we considered going swimming a couple of times! Luckily, my sister in law had just given us the name of a landscaper who worked on their backyard. My parents offered to pay for a retaining wall as a Christmas gift. Well, it looks like they'll be buying us a fence instead. $4,100.00!! Ouch! I guess the wallet really empties out when things fall down, go boom! We spent the rest of the weekend listening to the portion of fence that is somehow still standing, screetching and creaking in the wind like an old tree. Hopefully it won't take down every fence in the neighborhood when it goes!

We spent Sunday afternoon trying to blow up a wading pool our son got for his birthday. I think it's time to invest in an air compressor! Luckily, we had the bicycle pump to use. This thing is huge! My husband has a terrible cold, but I guess he got tired of watching me going through the cycle of:

1. Huff

2. Puff

3. Throw Up

4. Sit sown and drink water

repeat

Sometimes being pregnant does not go hand in hand with manual labor!

We got the thing filled up and outside, and hopefully the water won't be too cold when the boy and I get home this afternoon.

So ends the tale of the ultra exciting life of R. I know you're jealous!

Day 4........

Yesterday, my boy new where he was when we pulled into the parking lot at his new day care. Today, it was as soon as I took the exit off the highway! But, he calmed down almost right away after we got into the classroom. There were a few other kids in there, all playing quitly. He was eyeing a boy who was playing with some crayons. It was, "Waaaaa, waaaaaaa......huh?". It was kind of funny actually! I was able to put him down and chat with Linda for a few minutes, and leave without him following me. He was still whining a bit, but I'm sure he settled down and ate his breakfast.

We also slept in really late this morning. I didn't hear him make a peep until 7:45. That was good, because mommy needed some more beauty sleep!

He has his 2 year check up this afternoon. That means MORE SHOTS! Poor kid! He just can't get a break!