Drum Roll Please..........

And now, without further ado, I present to you......

The Amazing Baby Who Keeps Waking Up Hungry But Refuses To Eat!!!!!

Ooooooooh, Aaaaahhhhhh!

And The Colossal Cat Who Decided It Would Be A Good Idea To Jump Onto My Chest Every 1/2 Hour!!

Ooooooooh, Aaaaahhhhhh!

And, for one nite only, The Pink Undulating Jellyfish Hallucination That I See Floating Above My Head Every Time I Open My Eyes, And Yet Somehow Refrain From Smacking My Husband In The Head While Shrieking Madly And Oh My GOD - Are Those Spiders????

Yeah, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night.

I feel like......

....summer vacation is almost over, and it's time to go back to school.

I will be ending my maternity leave and headed back to work beginning Wednesday. I'm not too sure exactly how I feel about this. Luckily, my job is great. It's very low stress, flexible hours and great pay. I couldn't ask for better for a working mom.

However, I am so going to miss my sweet little baby.

When I started to work after my first child was born, I was panicked because I was worried about how he was going to behave for his uncle while I was away. He was so attached to me, and was so picky about his care givers. Luckily, my brother in law has the magic touch when it comes to kids. He was able to give my son all the love and attention he could ever want. That was the only way I was able to go to work and not feel guilty about leaving my child.

New baby is a whole different breed altogether from his older brother. He is so mellow, and seems to be comfortable with anybody. He just loves to be held, he doesn't seem to care who is doing it! I know he loves me, I can see it in his eyes as he gazes adoringly at me while I'm feeding him at 2:00 in the morning. I don't want him to be sad, but a small part of me wonders if he will miss me. Today will be a good test for both of us. My parents are watching him all day. He has been gone for 2 hours, and all I can do is think about him. I can't wait to pick him up this afternoon.

There is a huge relief in knowing that he is being cared for in the way I would care for him myself. That is the only way I can focus at my job; to be able to rest easy that your child is safe and happy with someone else is no easy thing to do.

I am trying to finish up a few things around the house that need to be taken care of before I head back to work. That way, I can focus on my family when I get home, and not all the other crap around the house that's not getting done. But, I miss my baby!!!!

Oh my God - the baby!!!!!

My mom and dad are watching new baby for me today.

I have had 3 panic attacks since I left him at their house this morning. I keep thinking I forgot the baby somewhere!! I hadn't quite realized exactly how much a part of me he has become. He's my little buddy - I haven't been inside this house without him since he was born. It is very strange.

In between panic attacks I am trying to get some housework done. I have a lovely little to-do list that I am using, and slowly but surely I am crossing things off the list.

I am headed back to work on the first of March. Just 5 days away! I am so lucky to be going back part time. I think I might burst if I have to be away from my littlest guy for too long.

On another note - my Uncle sent me some more pictures of my Gran. Here's one of my favorites. She was so proud of that uniform.....





The Women's Guild at her church is sponsoring a mass for her on Sunday morning that I plan to attend.

Well, I suppose I should get back to work. I am meeting my parent's at old baby's day care to pick up new baby. I can't wait to see him and smother him with kisses!

Fat and Happy!

Have you ever heard the phrase "fat and happy"? I like to use that phrase a lot, because I am, well, both of those things.

However, I've noticed over the past few weeks, that while I am still fat, I'm not quite as happy about it as I used to be. I have the worst sweet tooth known to man. I have been binge eating sweets almost non-stop for the past week. Why do I do this? I don't know. I can make up any excuse for myself why it's OK to eat ten sugar cookies for breakfast. I don't understand how I actually make sense of these things!

I went to my doctor today to discuss a problem I've been having with my jaw since December. It keeps popping and clicking, and is annoying the crap out of me. My blood pressure is borderline high, which I never had a problem with before I was pregnant, but seems to be hanging around like stink on shit. I need to go back in 6 weeks to have my blood pressure checked again.

My doctor recommended that I avoid ALL salty foods, and that I start walking an hour each day, and that I LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT! She was very nice about it though - and said that even losing three pounds could start to make a difference in my blood pressure.

So, I have decided once and for all to start making some healthier decisions for myself. My goal is to show some improvement in my activity level and my food choices over the next six weeks. If I don't, I am looking at blood pressure medication. I am 30 years old, way too young for blood pressure medication. I should also be way more concerned than I am about type II diabetes. My chances of having diabetes are higher since I had gestational diabetes.

Lately, I feel like I'm hurtling forward with no clear destination in mind. Well, for my sake, for my husband's sake, and for my children's sake I am going to get healthy. 6 weeks is a great goal in which to make some changes in my life.

Here goes nothing!

Day 1
Weight: 265
Blood Pressure: 140/85
Mood: Crabby
Energy Level: Ho-Hum







Goodbye baby -
find some other sucker to sleep with!!


















Hello Cardioglide - Instrument of DOOM!

Nice Doggy?

One of my worst nightmares came true yesterday. I mean, worst! I have nightmares about this, I worry about this when I am awake.

I decided to take my 2 year old for a walk last night. I had mentioned to him that it was staying lighter later now, and I would be able to start taking him on walks when he comes home from daycare. Apparently, this was all he needed to hear and he started running around the house yelling "Shoes" and "Walk"! He came running out with his shoes and we set out to the park.

Just about half a block from the house, I look up to see a young man, probably 13 years old, running down the middle of the street. Just behind him is a dog. At first, I figure the kid is out playing with his dog. Then, the boy sees me, and starts running towards me saying "help!". The dog running along behind him, chasing him, is a pit bull.

My heart actually stopped.

I swung my son up onto my shoulder, and braced myself. The boy actually jumped onto the roof of a parked car right next to me. I watched as the dog ran right passed me, and put his paws up onto the car. The dog then turned away and started sniffing the grass.

I moved over to the car, and asked the kid if he was all right. He was visibly shaking. I asked him if that was his dog. He said "No".He had been walking down one of the side paths that wind around the houses in our area, when he saw the dog running towards him. He told me he was scared. I have never seen a boy his age admit he was scared. We both watched the dog. It totally ignored us, and I helped the kid off the roof of the car. He walked towards it, hands still shaking, and looked at the dog's collar. His name was Lucky, and he lived just up the street. I started to walk towards his owner's house. The dog followed us half way there, but got distracted by someone else's dog behind a fence.

My son and I rang the doorbell, and informed the woman inside that her dog was loose, and where I had last seen it. As I'm talking to her, I can hear dogs barking, and an angry male voice yelling "Get out of here!".

The woman shut the door, and my son and I walked across the street to the park. I had trouble enjoying our outing after that. I was worried about the dog - and I was worried what would happen if someone else walked down the street with their pet. I kept glancing at the woman's house, waiting for her to come out and get the dog. The clock ticked, and I was wondering what the hell was wrong with this person. How do you let your pit bull roam around the neighborhood? No dogs should be out on their own. There is a lot of traffic, and he could get hurt. People also have a gut fear of pit bulls. After almost an hour, I finally saw her van pull out of the driveway. She drove in the opposite direction of where I had last seen her dog. She came back around the block about 5 minutes later and parked. The van door opened, and out ran the pit bull straight over to the park where there were groups of kids playing football. A very small child, maybe eight years old, followed the dog and stayed playing at the park.

Now, I have never owned a dog in my life and I don't want to sound like one of those people who doesn't have any kids but loves to tell you how to raise them, but, what the hell! Where in your mind is it OK to leave an 8 year old boy in charge of a pit bull, one who is not on a leash and doesn't appear to follow any commands like "sit" "stay" or "come"? I was scared out of my wits and I couldn't wait to get back home.

I haven't had an unknown dog come charging straight at me like that since I was a young child. I think what scares me more is the fact that I knew I couldn't do anything to stop him if he attacked me and my son. There was no time run, or climb a tree, or yell for help. All I could do was stand there with one hand on my son, and one hand clenched into a fist.

We Are Family........

I've got all my sisters with me!!

That's my younger sister on the left, and my older sister on the right. My older son is not in the photo because he was busy having a 2 year old, red headed tantrum!

My sisters and I get along great these days - probably because we aren't living under the same roof any more! It's always been amazing to me how people who have the same blood flowing through their veins, the same two parents, can be so vastly diferent from each other.

None of my friends in middle or high school had a sister. They all thought I was so lucky to have two! I tried to get them to take them off my hands, but no use. Today, I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day. I enjoy Valentine's Day, I think it is a fun holiday. There are those out there who do not enjoy Valentine's Day. I think the party line is :"Valentine's is a fake holiday invented by Hallmark. It is more special to pick a random day during the year to make the person I love feel special, and not feel forced to because it's Valentine's Day." Something like that, right?

My beloved husband is one of those people. Our first Valentine's Day came after we had been dating for just two months, and I was kind of looking forward to it. I had only had one boyfriend before I met him, and my ex had never gone out of his way for me on anything. When I asked him what we might do for Valentine's, the above mentioned quote is what I got in response (or something very similar). Now, the problem is, he does make me feel like his "Valentine" all year round. However, I am partial to flowers and chocolate. I guess what I'm saying is, those people who refuse to celebrate Valentine's Day make up for it with flowers and chocolate on some other day of the year, right? Some other day that is not birthday or anniversary oriented, right? Because I really really like chocolate.

Now, to those grumpy individuals who are anti-Valentine's - why not just get a little something special for your someone special? It will mean that much more to them, because they will understand the great sacrifice you made in feeding the monster that is Valentine's Day.

In closing, I guess all I'm really trying to say is - WHERE'S MY DAMN CHOCOLATE!!!

Baby Update!

Baby boy had his 2 month check up on Friday. He is 13 pounds, 13 ounces and very healthy. He is in the 80th percentile for height and the 90th percentile for weight.

His eyes look as though they are going to be blue like his father's. I have started calling him "Big Blue".

He is not even close to sleeping through the night, although most nights he will only wake up a few times. The last few nights have been especially rough. I spent a grand total of 45 minutes in my own bed last night. I miss my bed so much! I fantasize about sleeping under the covers!

Having 2 boys really is fantastic though. I couldn't be happier!

I Robot

My husband usually flips through the channels unless there is something specific on that he wants to watch. Even then, getting him to stay on one channel is near impossible. So imagine my surprise when I stepped out of the shower yesterday, and my husband was watching the Home Shopping Network. I didn't think anything of it at first - they were selling some kind of robot that cleans the floors. Sometimes we will pause over this channel long enough to ridicule it. However, this was more than lingering. This was, "Honey, write down this phone number because there are only 12 left!". Then, I heard it. Snoring. He had fallen asleep watching TV - remote having just slipped through his fingers, chubby baby sleeping on his chest. It was so darn cute! I really wanted to take a picture, but my experience is that in trying to capture the moment on camera, I tend to destroy it. I decided to let them be, and keep it as a snapshot in my mind.

Mourning

Gran was laid to rest yesterday.

The past week has been very stressful and tiring, but her viewing and rosary service on Wednesday night and funeral and burial on Thursday morning went very well.

My stomach had been in knots and I had been feeling increasingly ill beginning Monday night. Actually, it started about half an hour after my husband told me had been laid off as of March 1st. I tried very hard to keep it together, but the dam finally burst and I cried and cried. I'm not really sure what I was crying about - must have been a little bit of everything.

I continued to feel ill, and I finally realized it was because I was so nervous about seeing Gran in her casket. I haven't been to very many funerals, but the person never really looks like them. Every five minutes I would tell myself I wouldn't go to the viewing, then change my mind and back again. I made it to my parents house at 2:00, and we had 2 hours until the viewing. As we walked up to the doors of the funeral home, I felt like I couldn't walk inside, and thought I would actually be sick. I had the baby with me, so I held him tight, and his warm softness molded onto my chest made it possible for me to gather the strength to go inside.



I was so glad to see that almost my entire family was already inside and seated. I sat down and said hello to everybody. I handed the baby to my younger sister, and after about 15 minutes decided it was time to go see Gran.

I knelt down next to her casket and looked at her. She was beautiful. She looked just like herself, just like I had seen her sleeping so many times. My mind was playing funny tricks on me, because I felt like I could see her breathing. I started to pray, and looked at her through my tears. Her poor crippled hands were holding her rosary, and she was wearing her glasses. Her lips were slightly parted. I stood and looked at her for another few minutes. My father came and stood next to me. There were several bouquets next to the casket, so I looked at each one and read the cards. I had to do a double-take at one bouquet that said "From the owner and crew at Long John Silver's". My first thought was "She must have eaten there a lot". Then I remembered that my Uncle works there as a cook. There were photos everywhere, and one of Gran's favorite swing records was playing softly over the speakers. I went back and sat with my family. We shared our hugs, and our tears. I overheard my mother say that the only reason there was an open casket was because the funeral home had done such a good job with her hair, and she looked more like her old self. I had to bite my tongue at that, because I would have wanted to see her no matter what. Why else would you have a viewing if you didn't intend for people to be able to see her and have some closure? I'll just chalk it up to yet another one of those things about my mother that I will never "get".



The public viewing would begin at 5:00, and the rosary service would begin at 7:00. I headed back to my parent's house with the rest of the family. Now that I had actually seen her, my stomach was finally settling down, and I needed to eat something.

As we waited to go back for the rosary, I think I finally hit critical mass. I was exhausted, and as my stress factor went down, my unclenching back muscles started to ache. The baby had woken me up every two hours the night before starting at midnight, and I just felt like I couldn't stay awake. I declined to go to the rosary service, and took the baby back home. I was glad I did that. I got to see my older son before he went to bed, and my husband cracked my back for me. I will have to write another entire post about how much I love to have my back cracked! I slept very well for the first time in a long time that night.

Thursday morning all 4 of us made our way back to my parent's house. We unloaded the kid's car seats so we could chauffeur those people who would not fit in the limo. The mood was so much lighter than it had been, and we were all able to smile and enjoy the beautiful sunshine.

The funeral service was everything Gran would have wanted. Her sons, grandsons and son in laws were her pall bearers. The funeral home director is also an organist occasionally at this church, and Gran always loved to hear him play. He offered to play at her service, and her favorite choir member sang. There were little groups of blue haired old ladies peppered throughout the church, and many many cousins as well as one of Gran's two living siblings made the trip to be there. My uncle Mike gave a wonderful speech. He touched on so many of the same things that had been traveling round and round in my mind. It was yet another sigh of relief to hear out loud those things I had been having so much trouble articulating.

There was an honor guard at the gravesite, and they played taps. My uncle Mike was presented with an American Flag to honor her service in the Women's Army Corps during World War II. She is buried next to her husband, my Grandpa Art. I want to go back on Saturday and see the headstone. I have only been back once since my grandfather died, mostly because I didn't know how to get to the cemetery.

My younger sister and one of my cousins had been going through Gran's vast collection of pictures and keepsakes. They found three letters my older sister had written in 1986 that Gran had kept. One was a thank you note for some Christmas gifts, including a cross with an amethyst in the middle. My sister got a chill when she read that, because she had specifically pulled out that necklace to wear to the funeral. She hadn't worn it in 15 years. The other two letters were written when our Grandpa was in a coma following a severe stroke. We couldn't go visit, so she had written a letter for Gran to read to him. They were so sweet, and we had a good chuckle regarding the proper etiquette she used, as she addressed the letter to "Grandma Littman" and signed using her first, middle and last name!

We spent the rest of the day going through some of the photos, and sharing stories. I came home very tired, but with my heart eased a bit.

You touched so many lives with your kindness and strength.

You will be missed as much as you were loved.

Goodbye

January 6, 1923 - February 1, 2006

Rest In Peace

We Love you